Self-sabotage is defined as a pattern of behavior that causes oneself to repeatedly fail in achieving long-term goals. This definition seems to encompass a wide range of behaviors, from procrastination to self-medication. People engage in self-sabotage for a variety of reasons, including low self-esteem, anxiety, and fear of success.
Since the time of the Babylonians, humans have made New Year’s resolutions with the hope of improving their lives. However, by February, approximately 80% of these goals have been abandoned. There are many reasons why New Year’s resolutions fail, but one of the most common is self-sabotage.
While a sabotaged resolution may not seem harmful, it can be if it’s a chronic issue. This can lead to destructive outcomes in both our personal and professional lives.
Although it’s not talked about much, self-sabotage is actually quite common. For example, Abraham Lincoln, Fred Rogers, Michelangelo, John F. Kennedy, and George Washington all experienced it at some point in their lives before they went on to make history.
Self-sabotage is a habit that often develops in response to early life experiences, such as trauma or abuse. Over time, these patterns can become so ingrained that they become automatic and people may not even be aware that they are sabotaging themselves. These behaviors can have a profound effect on people’s lives, preventing them from achieving their goals, maintaining healthy relationships, and living a fulfilled life.
Self-Sabotage: Habits to Drop
Self-sabotage can be either conscious or unconscious, depending on how aware the person is of what they’re doing. An example of conscious self-sabotage would be if someone decided to eat cake even though they were trying to eat healthy. Unconscious self-sabotage happens when someone does something that goes against their personal goals or values without realizing it.
If someone is afraid of failing, they might wait until the last minute to work on an important project. This way, they can avoid the chance of advancement.
There is another form of self-sabotage which is called cognitive dissonance. This is when a person’s actions or words do not match their values and beliefs and they feel uncomfortable because of it. In order to make themselves feel better, they will change their actions or words, or they will change their goals and values.
Here are self-destructive habits you need to eliminate from your life right now:
Scrolling
We need to stop scrolling through social feeds!
It would be reasonable to assume that we would know better than to spend too much time looking at screens, based on the negative physical and mental consequences it can have, as well as the impact it has on our relationships with others.
We need to quit being addicted.
Lying To Yourself
Don’t Lie To Yourself.
You should do what makes you happy, say what you’re thinking, and live your life the way you want to. If you don’t agree with something, don’t be afraid to voice your opinion.
The worst thing you can do for your happiness is to believe your own lies.
Checking Your Phone Right When You Wake Up
I did this frequently in the past, but then I realized how it negatively impacted my productivity on a daily basis.
If you check your phone right when you wake up, you will spend time doing things that are not important and you will check your phone more often during the day.
There is no real justification for making others aware that you are awake.
If you can, try to go one hour after you wake up without checking your phone. This can be a peaceful experience.
Assuming The Worst
As a society, we tend to focus on the negative. We give too much attention to the little voices saying things like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m such a failure.”
The next time you notice negative thoughts entering your mind, force them out.
Being A ‘Yes’ Person
When it comes to being the type of person you want to be, you don’t want to be a ‘yes’ person.
This goes hand-in-hand with point #2: Lying to yourself.
Say yes only if you truly want to do something, not because you feel like you should.
If you constantly say yes to things, you will end up with more things that you don’t want to do and you will be miserable.
Saying No To Everything
Life Is About Balance.
You should be cautious about how often you say no, just as you shouldn’t be too quick to agree to things. Sometimes, the thing you want to say ‘no’ to has benefits you might not be aware of.
Find the right balance between the two.
Making Excuses
The old grade-school excuse of “my dog ate my homework” is laughed at by people.
I find it amusing when people say “I’m too tired,” “I wasn’t feeling it,” or “something came up” as an excuse.
No matter how convincing you are to yourself, all excuses sound ridiculous.
Overthinking
I used to overthink a lot.
I would often daydream about scenarios that were not realistic and would stress myself out to the point of physical exhaustion, usually over nothing.
There are two types of things in life: those you can control and those you can’t. It’s important to know the difference.
Focus on the former and forget about the latter.
Going To Bed Super Late
Even people who tend to stay up late need to have a regular bedtime.
I couldn’t care less if you can make your own schedule and sleep in every morning. The rest of the world operates from 6 or 7 AM to midnight.
Staying up past that isn’t doing you any good.
Talking Instead Of Doing
This one is huge.
People often talk about what they want to achieve instead of following advice that would help them achieve it. This is self-destructive behavior.
It is not beneficial to talk about something without taking action. The worst part is that you may start to believe this about yourself even if you are not accomplishing anything.
Feeling Entitled
A lot of us feel like we’re owed something.
We deserve happiness, friends, and success – just like anyone else. We shouldn’t have to struggle or strive for these things; they should come naturally and easily to us. All the stars should align in our favor and everything should work out better than we planned.
That couldn’t be further from the truth.
I don’t care how successful you are or where you come from, if you have a sense of entitlement, you will only be disappointed.
Nothing is given.
Everything is earned.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage? 5 Possible Causes
No one intentionally decides to ruin their own plans or goal, despite the temptation of chocolate cake while on a diet. Why then do we sometimes chronically do these destructive behaviors?
Research reveals these possible reasons:
Approach–avoidance Conflict
The result of this conflict is often paralysis or self-sabotage. Dr. Judy Ho, in her book “Stop Self-Sabotage” (2019), describes self-sabotage as a reaction that was once necessary for survival. She uses Kurt Lewin’s approach to explain goals that have both positive and negative aspects, creating competing forces. The result of this conflict is often paralysis or self-sabotage.
When you set goals, it releases dopamine which starts the process of achieving the goal. When you avoid something that is threatening, it starts the process of avoiding the threat. If you have a stronger desire to avoid the threat than to achieve the goal, then you will self-sabotage.
Rejection or Neglect
If a parent regularly rejects or neglects their child, the child may start to have low self-esteem and a negative self-image. In order to avoid further vulnerability and rejection, the child may start to sabotage their personal relationships.
Adaptive to Maladaptive Behaviors
Some behaviors that help us survive difficult situations can become harmful if they persist after the threat has ended.
Trauma
If a child is sexually abused by someone they trust, they may see the world as being unsafe and think they deserve any bad things that happen to them. This can lead to them making bad choices in life that end up harming them.
There is a close link between the fear of failure and the fear of success. People who are afraid of failure are often also afraid of success. This is because they believe that if they succeed, they will be disappointed or will not be able to live up to others’ expectations. People who are afraid of success are often afraid of taking risks. They may be unwilling to try new things or to put themselves in situations where they could potentially fail. This can limit their ability to achieve their goals and to reach their full potential.
Insecurity comes from the little voice inside us that tells us we can’t do something or that we’re not good enough.
These past remnants drain our self-confidence and force us to make dysfunctional habits that help us from the pain of failing. Sabotage also helps our inner self that is afraid of becoming powerful; power will change the world and that is a threat.
If self-sabotage is bad for us, why do we keep doing it? The answer is simple: we repeat what gets rewarded. Sabotage fills a need or void of some kind. To break the cycle of destructive behavior, we need to find out what that need is and learn new behaviors.
Defeating Self-Sabotage
The good news is that you can overcome self-sabotaging and, with practice, replace it with self-confidence. Follow these steps to defeat your inner saboteur:
Recognize Your Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
You can’t stop self-sabotage until you realize when you’re doing it.
What are some goals that you have had for a while now but have yet to achieve? Are there any specific areas where you have been procrastinating making a decision? Do you find yourself lacking motivation for even important matters?
Do you have trouble with a particular activity or task that you know you could do better? Do other people (like your boss) get frustrated with you because of this?
You should ask yourself difficult questions in order to gain a deeper understanding of problem situations.
Understand the Emotions That Lead to the Behavior
Self-sabotaging behavior often has its roots in feelings of anxiety, anger, and self-doubt.
For example, you may have deliberately left a report unfinished because your boss blanked you in the corridor, and this made you angry and upset. The event of your boss blanking you in the corridor triggered the emotion of anger and upset, which in turn led to a self-defeating action of leaving the report unfinished.
Although your boss may not have meant to upset you, your emotional response does not take into account what they may have been thinking about.
It is important to be in control of your emotions so that you do not do something that could have negative consequences or that would unfairly affect others. Recognize the signs of anger and anxiety so that they do not get out of control.
Spot the Thinking or Beliefs That Cause the Emotion
It is likely that any negative emotions which led to negative behaviour were caused by irrational thoughts. Consider the evidence which supports these thoughts – for example, your boss wasn’t being dismissive because they don’t like you, they just had a lot of other things to think about.
Be aware of the negative things you say to yourself when you do things that undermine your success. Write down all of the negative things you tell yourself, even if they seem silly or unrealistic.
The best time to do this is when you are actually doing the behavior. Keep track of your thoughts and write them down. For example, you might think to yourself, “I’m such a failure, my boss has probably reached the end of their patience with me!”
Change Your Behaviors, Emotions and Thoughts
As you become aware of the negative emotions, behaviors and thoughts that trigger self-sabotage, you can begin to challenge them. Although it may be difficult to change all three aspects, if you can successfully change one, the other two will follow more easily.
Try to think more positively, and turn your negative thoughts into positive ones. See things from a different perspective, and find logical explanations for why things are the way they are.
Use positive self-talk to motivate yourself to achieve your goals. Affirm your ability to succeed, and believe in yourself and your capabilities. When you are confident in your abilities, you can set your sights high and accomplish great things.
Develop Self-Supporting Behaviors
When you’ve identified and begun to defeat the false rationale for your self-sabotaging behaviors, you can start to rebuild your self-esteem. Consider the following questions:
You can tell yourself that you are doing your best and that you are capable of achieving your goals. You can also remind yourself that you are unique and special, and that you have something to offer that nobody else does.
What are your options? Are there multiple ways to reach your goal?
Can you build self-confidence by setting and achieving small goals, on your way to achieving the bigger ones? Yes, you can build self-confidence by setting and achieving small goals. This will help you develop a sense of accomplishment and progress, which can boost your confidence overall. Additionally, as you achieve small goals, you will likely also develop new skills and knowledge that can help you feel more confident in your ability to achieve big goals.
I may not be able to finish this project on time, but I know I have the skills and resources to get me through. Once I sit down and start working on it, I know a lot of the stress and anxiety I’ve been carrying around will go away.
Key Points
Although you may have wishes, dreams, and values, self-sabotage can prevent you from being successful.
Low self-esteem, negative self-talk, and related negative emotions often contribute to anxiety, which is then reinforced by the resulting failure.
You can stop self-sabotage by being aware of your behaviors, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs about yourself, and changing them when they get in the way of your goals. Once you understand what is causing self-sabotage, you can develop positive, self-supporting behaviors to keep you on the right track.
