Your Thoughts (Especially Your Negative Thoughts) Aren’t Your Reality
Our thoughts seem to be reality. We believe everything our mind says because we think it’s true. This includes thinking we’re a failure, incapable, unlovable…
The National Science Foundation published an article in 2005 that stated that the average person has between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts per day. 80% of thoughts are negative and 95% of those thoughts are repetitive.
Another study found that when scientists asked subjects to write down their worries over an extended period of time, they reported feeling better. The study found that the majority of things people worry about never happen. 79% of the study subjects who experienced difficulty found that they could handle it better than expected, or that the difficulty taught them a lesson worth learning. (Leahy, 2005, Study of Cornell University)
Meet Your Inner Critic
The part of us that is responsible for our feelings of worthlessness is our inner critic.
Your inner critic may attack you, making you feel ashamed, hopeless, inadequate, or that there is something inherently wrong with you.
This can lead to feelings of low self-worth, preoccupation with negative thoughts, anxiety about performance, and even addiction.
This inner critic may:
- Criticize your looks, your work habits, the way you care for others.
- Judge your feelings and behavior.
- Tell you what you should and shouldn’t do.
- Doubt you and tell you that you can’t achieve your goals.
How Does The Inner Critic Develop?
The inner critic is developed early on in a child’s life when they start to form negative views of themselves. This happens as they start to absorb negative attitudes or feelings that are directed towards them. He took on these attitudes as his own views toward himself later.
The inner critic has a lasting impact on a child’s life. Someone who was told they were too needy as a child may learn to suppress their wants as an adult, eventually losing touch with what they need.
The inner critic tells the child that he deserves to be treated badly as an adult because he experienced abuse.
How Does The Inner Critic Operate?
Pretending to Be Your Conscience
Your inner critic is not the same as your conscience or values. The difference lies in the tone of the critical inner voice. The critical inner voice has a punishing, degrading tone.
The inner critic doesn’t inspire or motivate you to take constructive action, it makes you feel bad about yourself and makes you feel like you can’t do anything.
The inner critic actually encourages you to eat more food, and then criticizes you for not having enough willpower.
Attacking Your Authentic Self
The inner critic prevents you from discovering your true identity and from achieving your goals in life.
The voice may say something like, “Be quiet! No one wants to hear from you – don’t get too excited! You’re just trying to get attention.”
If you’re constantly comparing yourself to others, it will only make you feel more insecure. This can cause you to either try to act like someone you’re not, in order to avoid being rejected, or to isolate yourself from others.
Attacking Your Relationships
You have two views of the people in your life: how they are now and how they once were.
Sometimes you think your partner is great and other times you only see their negative traits.
You could do much better.” Your inner critic may say negative things about your partner, such as “he isn’t good enough for you, you could do much better.” You can do much better.”
The Inner Critic Is Trying to Help You
The inner critic is not trying to harm you, but instead is trying to help you by protecting you.
It may discourage you from trying anything difficult so that you never experience failure or humiliation.
When you understand the positive intent of your inner critic, you can address it more effectively. This is because you will know exactly what distorted belief your need to challenge.
This person makes you feel guilty about things you have or haven’t done.
7 Common Types of Inner Critics
Most people have a number of inner critics. The following are 7 common types of them:
The Perfectionist
This critic is trying to make you feel like you need to do everything perfectly.
The bar is set high in regards to performance, and you will be criticized harshly if you don’t meet the standards. For example, you may be told “Your work is not good enough.”
You may not be able to finish or even start a project as a result.
The Inner Controller
The inner critic is trying to control your behavior by making you feel ashamed after you do something impulsive, like getting angry, overeating, or using drugs.
The Taskmaster
The inner critic is trying to motivate you by telling you that you are lazy or incompetent.
The Underminer
Your inner critic is trying to protect you from failing or being rejected by making you feel less confident and not wanting you to try at all.
You may be told that you are worthless or inadequate.
The Destroyer
The inner critic believes that it is safer for you if you do not exist. Therefore, it will deep shame you and attack your self-worth.
It is usually triggered by early trauma.
The Guilt Tripper
The inner critic is a voice inside your head that attacks you for things you did or didn’t do that violated a deeply held value or was harmful to someone.
The goal of this text is to make you feel bad in order to get you to stop.
The Molder/Conformist
This inner critic is trying to get you to live up to certain societal or cultural expectations by attacking you when you don’t conform to them.
10 Most Common Negative Thoughts and What We Should Think Instead
1. I Am Not Good Enough
Have you ever thought that you weren’t good enough? We tend to feel bad about ourselves when we believe we aren’t good enough. This can result in feeling overwhelmed by self-doubt and pity. Low self-esteem can be a symptom, but everyone is good enough.
If you don’t have the skills or resources to achieve your goals at the moment, that doesn’t mean you’re not good enough or deserving of success.
What to Think Instead
Instead of thinking you are not good enough, remind yourself that you are just as deserving of what you want in life as anyone else. Think about the things you like about yourself right now. You can make a list of your goals and post it where you will see it every day.
2. I Can’t Do It
“Can’t” is a very restrictive word that you can say to yourself. Henry Ford once said,
“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you are right.”
If you tell yourself that you can, you are sending messages to your mind and brain that you can, and so that will be your experience. You won’t be able to achieve something if you’ve already convinced yourself that it’s impossible.
What to Think Instead
Change your focus from thinking about what you can’t do, to telling yourself “I can do anything I set my mind to.” Even though we all have limitations, believing in your abilities is the first step to achieving your goals in life.
3. I’m Not as Lucky as Other People
Many people believe that other people’s lives are better and that they are luckier, which separates them from others. There is no such thing as perfect, and often times a lot of hard work is mistaken for luck.
excessively pessimistic to consider that your life will never have good fortune; if you’re thankful for what you have, you’ll observe that you already have many good things.
What to Think Instead
Tell yourself that good things can and will happen to you, and focus on the things you’re grateful for to begin noticing all the good things you normally never would.
4. I Don’t Think I’ll Ever…
If you believe that something will happen, then it will happen. The choices you make each day, as well as your habits, help to shape your future. You can undermine your potential by fixating on negative thoughts.
It is not about being perfect, but about trying your best. Do not hold yourself back before you have even given yourself a chance.
What to Think Instead
Do not tell yourself that you will never be able to do something. Feed your brain positive thoughts by saying, “I am confident I will…” This will help build your confidence over time.
5. I Should Be Better Than I Am
If you use the word “should” when thinking about something, it will make you feel negative about it and make you feel like you’re not good enough. How often do you find yourself wishing you were better – more clever, more disciplined, more productive, etc. – than you are?
What to Think Instead
Make an effort to change the things about yourself that you don’t like. Everyone has parts of themselves that they would like to improve and it is possible to change these things, but it takes treating yourself with love and patience.
Instead of telling yourself what you “should be like” or what you “should be doing,” set goals for the things you are not happy with.
6. I Am Not Strong Enough
Everyone feels like they are not strong enough at times. We all feel weak at times, regardless of who we are. It is important to have a conversation with yourself after the event.
What to Think Instead
Tell yourself that you are capable of overcoming the challenges in front of you and find the strength you need to in that moment.
7. Nobody Cares
You might feel alone at times, but there are people thinking about you that you don’t even know of. People do care about others, even if they don’t always express their emotions in the same way. It feels bad to think that nobody cares, but don’t dwell on that or assume you know how other people feel.
What to Think Instead
Instead of thinking that nobody cares about you, remind yourself of the people in your life who do care about you a lot. Develop positive relationships and actively participate in receiving love from others to help improve your negative thinking.
8. I Am Not Smart Enough
Many people tend to make general statements that make them feel bad about themselves. What are you not smart at specifically? If I asked you to identify some areas you are smart in, you could do it if you tried.
What to Think Instead
Instead of thinking that you’re not smart, remind yourself that you have your own way of doing things and that you can improve your knowledge in any area you want.
9. If I Don’t Do Well, I’m a Failure
Having high standards for yourself and attaching your self worth to your performance isn’t fair. You’re not going to get different results in life if you don’t take chances. The only true failure is not trying at all. So don’t be afraid to fail.
What to Think Instead
If you’re faced with a difficult situation or possible risk, remind yourself that it’s okay to try and fail. What’s important is that you learn from the experience.
10. Bad Things Will Happen
Thinking negative thoughts all the time means always expecting the worst to happen. If you imagine the best case scenario, what would it be like?
What to Think Instead
Instead of expecting the worst, try hoping for the best. You will achieve more success if you set high goals rather than low goals. Even if you do not reach your high goal, you will still accomplish more than if you had set a lower goal.
When you are trying to detach yourself from your negative thoughts, you should not try to get rid of these thoughts entirely. Instead, you should try to see them for what they are – simply words. They might go away, or not.
