Anger is one of those emotions that evokes different responses in everyone. Some define anger as a negative emotion and something that needs to be “controlled.” Others feel that anger is a useful response to a wrong, and quite useful (as long as it is dealt with and let go).
Everyone has an opinion about anger’s energetic impact on the self and those around them. But most people would agree that it is the “holding on” part that is truly the negative aspect of anger.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
~Buddha
Do you know anyone that holds on to anger too long? That flies off the handle at any little thing? Someone that may be in need of a little Anger Management?
I read a very good article in the Huffington Post, by Dennis Merritt Jones, entitled “The Anatomy of Anger.” Mr. Jones talks about having a hair-trigger temper when he was younger, brought about by feelings of inferiority and vulnerability – the ones that are familiar to many of us as we were growing up. And he mentions the biggest lesson that I have learned from anger, which is to beware of what you say during periods of anger, because once the words are uttered, there is no way to take them back. Forgiveness does not necessarily include forgetfulness. Says Mr Jones:
Over the years I have become an avid student of energy and how it moves. What I believe is that as human beings, not only do we consist of pure energy, we are also conduits through which it flows. Once we understand that thought is energy in one of its purest forms, we’ll become aware that the thoughts we think make us energy directors. Thus, when we have misguided thoughts fueled by the energy of anger, our words can be very destructive.
So how can one learn to change their response to life’s seeming unfairness and the rudeness of others?
As I began to study the universal law of cause and effect, and how the energy of anger moves from cause (thought plus feeling) resulting in effect (words or actions), I came to understand that I play an undeniable role in being the creator of my own experience. This does not mean that I always have control over what others say or do at any given moment, but it does mean I always have absolute control over how I choose to respond to what has been said or done.
No doubt, people can say and do some incredibly cruel and thoughtless things that can understandably trigger our anger response. However, at the end of the day, without exception, justified or not, it is we who suffer the toxic effects of being the conduit or vessel through which that energy of anger flows . . . the misguided missiles of anger we fire at others always come home to roost.
Many psychologists agree that the way to deal with anger issues is to change the way that we think about ourselves and the people and situations that we interact with. In Psychology Today, Steven Stosny, Ph.D. discusses the underpinnings of anger in an article entitled, “Anger Problems: What They Say About You.” He says that there are two factors go into anger formation, current vulnerability and magnitude of perceived threat. It is vulnerability that tends to lead to the self-destructive form of anger.
Problem anger (that which leads you to act against your long-term best interests) is caused by high vulnerability. It is the most self-revealing of emotional states, pointing directly to a powerful cause of vulnerability: a sudden drop in core value.
You experience a state of core value when you think and behave in accordance with the most important things to and about you. It includes a sense of authenticity (you feel genuine) and self-regard, which, together, lower self-doubt and vulnerability to threat.
With that in mind, it would seem that the answer to a life filled with too much anger is to raise your sense of core value by moving in the direction of congruence where your thoughts and actions are in harmony with each other and you feel at peace with who you are. What can be done to invoke that shift?
One way to begin to move towards congruency is to get in touch with your values – what is important to you? Think about something that you really want, then ask yourself “what will having that give me, that I wouldn’t have without it?” Then you ask yourself the same question about that. When you get to “the end” where there is no where else left to go, you have found a core value. And you can build feelings of congruency by thinking, saying, and doing things that are in alignment with those values.
As an example, I’d like to find someplace to volunteer in my spare time.
What will that give me? A feeling of helping others.
What will helping others give me? A feeling of sharing.
What will sharing give me? A sense of community, of being a part of something bigger.
Part of what I do with my life is working for a large company as a team lead. In that position I help to train new people, help develop new software functionality, and to resolve problems. All of my responsibilities with this work are in alignment with that sense of being a part of something bigger, and therefore I feel a large sense of satisfaction with this job. What I do is congruent with one of my core values.
What are your core values and how do they line up with how you move through the world?
