By Talya Flowers
In life, we will go through the same situations and conflicts over and over again—a term I call looping—until we learn how to confront the issue we are running away from. Madness, like my pastor used to say, is doing the same thing over and over, and yet expecting a different result. In the beginning, running from an issue is easy, but staying when a situation gets tough takes much more dedication and commitment. I often imagine how much farther some of us, myself included, would be into our careers, relationships, or life in general, if we just stopped running from ourselves.
I once overheard a conversation between two women. One of the women fervently discussed her plans for obtaining a doctorate degree. Then they started discussing work. The future doctor was quick to point out that she could never maintain a steady job. As she poured her story into her friend, she explained how she has cursed several employees and bosses out. She has walked out on company meetings because of her anger. All because she felt that it was important to give her coworkers and bosses “a piece of her mind.” Ironically, she didn’t understand why she couldn’t keep a job.
She’s a looper.
She has blamed everyone for her present circumstances but hasn’t confronted herself in the mirror. I saw the solution to her problem, clearly. So, if you are the type of person who runs from job to job, or from relationship to relationship, expecting change—and change doesn’t happen—you may want to take time to analyze yourself, first.
Remember, running away appears to solve the “right-now” problems, but it will catch up with you in the long-run. Avoiding or side-stepping an issue for the sake of not confronting an issue is a sure-fire way of never maturing, because these issues will be present in the next job, or next relationship that we commit to.
We then have to come to a point in our lives where we say, “Enough is enough! Despite what our present circumstances are, we are firm and stable.” (This is strictly for healthy relationships. I am not talking about being firm and stable in an abusive environment). With that being said, the key to confronting an issue is to recognize, accept, and change it.
Here are my five suggestions for overcoming ‘loopiness’ (madness) in your life:
1. Renew your mind
Joyce Meyer, a renowned Christian, published her book “Battlefield of the Mind” in 1995. I started reading her book after a very traumatic situation occurred in my life. And it has been very helpful to see that our hearts might be in the right place, but if our minds are corrupt, we tend to speak illogically, abuse people for no reason, and think that our actions are okay. Renewing the mind is a constant battle because some of our thoughts are stuck in the past. We haven’t healed from past traumas, and then we see people through the lens of the past. We hurt people because we haven’t moved on, which can be pretty damaging to the present relationship. As you think in your mind, you will see it in your life. Once you recognize that your mind needs to be renewed, go after it aggressively.
2. Visualize confrontation
Sometimes avoiding confrontation is a part of how we are raised. In the heat of the moment, we tend to shrink back in fear and keep our lips shut when we should be articulating our feelings. I found that the greatest success came when I learned to visualize a person’s temperament before I actually was in their company. It is actually a pretty calming thing to do because when they say something that rubs you the wrong way; they’re more likely looking for the same reaction that you’ve always given them. Ironically, some people feel powerful by being able to alter the emotions of another person—but not that day because you’ve already seen it coming.
3. Analyze yourself
It is so easy to blame someone else, but sometimes the issue is with us, which takes me to suggestion number four.
4. Take responsibility
You can’t move on until you take responsibility for your part in a chaotic job situation or in a damaged relationship. Case in point: I once dated a guy who was still stuck on a woman he dated three years ago. I didn’t realize it at the time, but he didn’t take an ounce of responsibility in why that relationship ended. He blamed her, and that is half of the reason why we are no longer dating today. When you take full responsibility, you are able to free yourself from that situation so that you don’t loop in that area anymore.
5. Change
I know what you’re thinking, “why does this have to be a suggestion?” Change is rough because it requires us to really analyze ourselves. Some people are knee deep in traumatic experiences, and they may not even know where to start. Begin where you believe is the underlying issue. Then go after that problem aggressively.
So, if you are going from job to job or from relationship to relationship, you are a looper. Either you haven’t learned from the past or you’re still stuck in the past. Regardless, both situations need to be thoroughly analyzed as well as your role in these situations. Learn from it, give yourself time to heal, take full responsibility, apologize, even if you didn’t do anything wrong, and you will see that the ‘loopiness’ (madness) will come to a halting end.
