By Talya Flowers
Creating boundaries in a relationship is tremendously important. I know because I’ve been in a relationship with no boundaries. I was left emotionally and mentally drained. Without a clear set of limitations, the relationship can easily turn from being in love to being in resentment. I’d rather stay in love.
In a relationship, there are two unique individuals coming together to form a union. That doesn’t mean that the people have no boundaries in their unity. No. There are bound to be differences, and that’s okay. I like to say, God has a great sense of humor by sending two opposites into a relationship with each other. Like any new habit that is being formed, it is going to take dedication and commitment.
So I urge you to ‘break up’ with unstable boundaries and move forward to have a more rewarding and fulfilling relationship with easily and clearly defined limits. These can be as simple as going to bed by 10 p.m., setting aside leisure time to read, watching television without interruptions, or something more difficult as learning to speak what’s on your mind. Whatever boundary has to be created, with the right person, it will be respected.
Here are five tips to creating and setting healthy boundaries:
1. Start out small
There is an old proverbial saying that “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” So, of course, you will not create boundaries overnight. Sometimes the best way to change and set anything is to confront the situation. Then start making steps to eradicate it. What I like to do is write everything down either on a notecard or in a journal (I can’t remember everything, there are only 24 hours in a day/7 days per week). From there, a working list is generated. Then each day for three weeks, meditate on one of the boundaries that you wish to see in your life. In your journal, also write about and track your progress to see if you are staying true to your needs. Within three weeks to one month, you will have created a new boundary. Keep moving forward and allow your partner to help you out too. Be each other’s support system.
2. Articulate your feelings
Sometimes it is hard to articulate your feelings, and it’s even more difficult to articulate your feelings in an unhealthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships breed fear, and fear stifles communication. But hopefully you’re in a healthy relationship, and so going to your partner with your concerns won’t even cause him or her to bat an eye. Say what you have to say, and watch their reaction. They should be supportive and understanding because they want what is best for you.
3. Be direct
Let me be honest, this is not my strongest quality because of what I was taught as a child. I learned that it is easier to avoid than to confront, and that is very unhealthy. We often model the communication patterns of our parents and never recognize that their conflict-handling styles are not productive. Learning to ask for what you want (I said ask, not demand) is vitally important because it portrays healthy communication skills. Being direct is, well, being direct. There is really not an explanation that is needed for it, yet if you see that it is hard for you to be direct, then work on changing it.
4. Accept and understand your feelings
This is a gray area, and it ties well into being able to articulate your feelings. Some of us have grown up in households where our feelings were never important or never heard. It is crucial to know that it is okay to feel a certain way (anger, hurt, upset, and frustrated) and be okay with what you are feeling. The problem is when we allow our feelings and emotions to override sensible requests or worries from our partner or others. Spend time alone with yourself to figure out what why you feel a certain way, and then run to your journal to write it about it. Or shout it out.
5. Consider your past and present
How you are raised is a clear indication of your ability to create, set, and implement healthy boundaries. Sometimes we take on needy or emotionally withdrawn people because we have an undying need to focus on their issues, so we won’t have to focus on our own. Abusive or alcoholic households are breeders for hurt and wounded adults … and damaged people, hurt other people (and the cycle keeps on going). For once, you have to dig deep within yourself and try to understand why there are unstable boundaries in your present relationship.
Conclusion
If you are certain that you have to create boundaries, then create them. Your partner will respect your desire to implement new, healthier boundaries in your life. If not, then that’s a red flag, and even further discussion may have to take place.
For healthy relationships, practice creating and setting boundaries. The more practice you get, the more confident you will become in sticking to them and becoming more self-aware. Whatever you choose, make sure that it is healthy and will benefit you and your significant other. Have I always known this? No, this advice is solely for me: from my heart to yours!
