Have you ever heard of a book called, “My Answer Is No . . . If That’s Okay With You?” It was written by a psychiatrist named Nanette Gartrell.
The author is quoted by Joyce E. A. Russell of The Washington Post, in an article about how difficult many women find using this little word, as saying:
“No is a very simple word. One syllable. Two letters. One of the shortest words in the English language, yet one of the most difficult for women to say at work.”
Ms. Russell explores the reasons that this word is so difficult to use in work situations, giving some of the following reasons:
- It is important to women to please others and be liked.
- Most women try to avoid conflict.
- Especially in the work environment, they want to be seen as team players.
- The Control Factor: they cannot be sure how it will turn out if someone else does it, so they feel a need to control the process (or do it themselves!).
She lists many others – you can probably think of several of them on your own.
This same situation can also be found in the area of relationships, reported by Faye Brennan at Excelle.
There are many reasons we struggle to say no when it comes to relationships, too – some are exclusive to that slice of life but some reasons show patterns across the board.
- We tend to be sensitive and compassionate, and don’t want to cause pain to others. (that applies to the work place too)
- We are sometimes not confident enough in ourselves to say No to a potentially bad date – or to a coworker or boss?
In both of these scenarios, there are ways we can begin to be more comfortable with refusal, in any scenario.
1. Be honest with ourselves about what we want and what is most important to us. Make a list of what is important and what is not. Use that list to measure against when deciding what answer to give – whether it is at work or to a potential date.
2. Don’t feel pressured to give an answer immediately – take some time to figure out what feels right for you.
3. Once you come up with an answer – whether it is yes or it is no – be direct about it, and be firm. Use language that is not ambiguous so that everyone involved understands your position.
Then stick to your guns! This may take some practice, and people that are used to you always saying yes may show some resistance, but ultimately everyone will be better off.
