Want To Know The Secret To HAPPINESS? Here It Is …

By Dr. LeslieBeth Wish

Had rotten parents who abused, neglected, criticized or abandoned you? Or something happened to you later in life such as assault or rape? Or your disappointing love relationships hover overhead like mylar balloons glinting at your failures?

Well, here’s the good news: rotten pasts for any reasons don’t have to mean you will have an unhappy life. Positive psychology researchers such as Martin Seligman, author of the inspiring book, “Learned Optimism,” studies resilience and how to develop the positive effects of optimism on your health, coping mechanisms, problem-solving ability, emotional regulation and more.

Seligman identifies several traits that make optimistic people, well, so optimistic. I discovered very similar findings when I was researching the effects of childhood abuse on women’s career and love happiness. Look at the abbreviated list below. Check the ones that describe you.

Optimism Checklist:

I am intelligent.
I can regulate my moods and impulses.
I enjoy planning for the future.
I may not have had a great childhood, but I’ve triumphed over it.
I regard myself as successful.
I like taking on challenges and learning new things.
I can soothe myself without relying on substances such as alcohol, carbohydrates, shopping or impulsive sex with just about anyone.
Even though my life is not perfect now, I enjoy and cherish it.
I’m good at problem-solving.
I can handle disappointments and setbacks.

Obviously, the more you checked, the more likely you are a happy optimist.

Psychologist Philip Zimbardo has developed a method he calls Time Perspective Therapy, which he uses to help people change their negative outlook. The Wall Street Journal article from August 27, 2013, “Still Hung Up on Your Past? A Therapy Says ‘Let It Go’ is an overview of Zimbardo’s analysis of what makes people happy. He discovered that happy people have the following view of themselves:

I love and value my past.
I enjoy my present and know how to balance work and pleasure.
I like planning for the future and believe I can accomplish my goals.

But, oops—what if you don’t agree with these statements or if you didn’t check many things on the Optimist Checklist? Here are some secret tips to help you gain the benefits of optimism.

1. How to deal with the past.

Okay—so you had parents who wouldn’t win any parenting awards. Or later in life you had some very bad experience in love, life and work. Zimbardo recommends meditating or making a list of your positive attributes.

These can be good, but the women in my study for my book, “Smart Relationships,” used these methods that yielded potent results. Use them repeatedly whenever you feel down and out of control over your mood and life.

Make a chart with four columns. In the first column list a negative thought, idea, feeling or regret you have about you and your life.

In the second column list your parents’ or caregivers’ negative words or actions toward you.

In the third column, describe how their words and actions tell you more about them and how they were treated as children. If you take your time and focus on what you know about them, you will increase your ability to see that the words you carry in your head and that your view of you may truly not be true about you!

In the fourth column, now write your good attributes and your rebuttal and revisions to your negative self-view.

The women in my study found this exercise helpful because it brings to the surface all those negative thoughts and fears so you can then battle against them.

2. How to deal with the present.

Zimbardo recommends elevating your mood by exercising and rewarding your work effort with something enjoyable such as getting a massage or going to dinner with friends.

These are great suggestions. Going to dinner with friends is very effective because social engagement has proven to boost your immune system, coping mechanisms, sense of belonging and feeling valued and less alone. Exercising also strengthens your immune system and triggers the pleasure hormones in your brain.

Here are some other tips that the women in my study used.

Make contact with friends, family and the community. Email, write or call a friend. Make plans every month to be with people whom you like and who care about you.

Volunteer. Being active and giving in your community is great medicine. You feel valued, and you get a perspective on the lives and struggles of others. Don’t ignore your circumstances, of course. Your pain is your pain and it is important. Volunteering, however, is a great way to get out identifying with being a victim—or using it as an excuse not to take action.

Do things that scare you. Yes—that’s right! Doing things that make you feel nervous or stupid become a training ground that makes you more comfortable with new things. This desensitization can enable you to take some necessary, moderate and realistic risks in your life. For example, if you are afraid of starting a business, I suggest that you attend seminars, read books and consult with successful people. Yes, you will feel anxious, but the more you expose yourself to what frightens you, the more you develop inner strength.

3. How to deal with your future.

Zimbardo recommends learning an new skill and thinking about what’s good in your life. Here are some more suggestions from the women in my study. These tips are much easier to do if you took the advice above.

Okay—it’s time for you to make another chart. In the first column make a list of what you would realistically like to accomplish in the future.

In the second column list all the things you need to do to achieve those goals.

In the third column list all your fears and the things that hold you back. Now go back to that very first chart I asked you to make in how to deal with your past. Do you see similarities? How many of your fears come from them?

In the fourth column write some words of encouragement, including your rebuttal and revisions to the negative input from your parents and caregivers. You will most likely have this inner dialogue between the old and new you for the rest of your life. But the more you increase your awareness, the more you can rewrite a different view of you and your future happiness.

Be featured in Dr. Wish’s next book about intuition! Click here to tell her your story!

And also check out more of Dr. Wish’s advice in one of her other books right here:

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Our innermost thoughts drive our emotions and our actions. From this center of creative energy, our lives unfold, moment by moment. We are either conscious decision-makers in this process – or unconsciously driven by beliefs deeply embedded in our subconscious mind. 

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