Want To Fall In Love During The Holiday Season? Maybe You Shouldn’t …

Soon there will be sales everywhere. Tinsel will hang from clothing racks. Christmas trees will totter on counter tops. Holiday songs will play in loops, and couples and families will burst through aisles with shopping bags while you’re supposed to be happy, too.

Oh, sometimes that holiday atmosphere can trick you into feeling giddy in love–or more alone and more down on yourself. The whole world seems to sparkle, and you wonder: “Why shouldn’t I feel this way with the person I’m with?” Or: “Why don’t I have someone to be with?”

These questions are part of the fall-out from constant exposure to what seems like false or enforced holiday cheer. Holidays are tough times if you feel lonely, hurt or disappointed in love. So, it’s tempting to make the following top mistakes.

Mistake #1: You go for the Last Person Standing who sort of is an okay love match.

You know that you are too picky or critical. You think: “Why not loosen my perfection and choose someone who is not a great match—but so what—who is these days?”

Mistake #2: You allow yourself to get swept away.

You’ve been suffering from Skin Hunger—that painful longing from not being touched. Your past relationships have hurt you emotionally so much that you swore off love for too long. Your life has been all work and no play. Now you’re surrounded by happy couples and families and smiles and laughter and gifts, and you want to feel alive again—even sexually. You think: “Why not toss caution to the wind and just go for that person over there with that dangerously appealing edge?”

Mistake #3: You’ve experienced major setbacks or changes that now make your loneliness and fear of life barely tolerable.

You might getting older, and you feel that time is running out. Or, you’ve had a major loss in life such as declining health, loss of a job or financial stability. Regardless of your situation, you think: “Well, this person is better than being alone in the world.”

Mistake #4: You convince yourself that you are in love with the one you are with.

You’ve been with your partner for a long time. You’ve gone back and forth over whether to get married or break up or at least move in together. Everyone else seems so happy, even though you know for a fact that many of the couples have problems. You think: “Just do it. Open your heart all the way to this person and commit and just forget about those doubts and dull feelings.”

Mistake #5: You are on rebound.

It’s over. You knew it wasn’t working, but still, being dumped feels horrible. You think: “Well, I am just going to show so-and-so that I can get a new person just like that in no time.”

If these mistakes sound like you, here is some advice about how to avoid them.

1. Get mindful of your life situation and your emotional state during the holiday season.

Keep a journal where you can write out your feelings and thoughts. Refer to your journal often. Know your weak spots.

When you re-read your journal, be aware of your physical reactions. Are you getting tearful? Do you feel sick to your stomach? Is your heart racing from anxiety? Make a list of your reactions.

Now add your best guess as to why you are feeling this way? What frightens you?

2. Get a buddy.

Tell a trusted friend about your increasing loneliness and fears. If that person is not going to be at the holiday parties, arrange ahead of time for them to answer your Reality Check Phone Call. If they are at the same parties and events, agree to meet up a few times during the event. Tell them to interrupt you when you are spending time talking to someone. It’s great to get your buddy’s feedback and to observe this new person with your trusted friend.

3. Get a therapist.

Seek therapy before you make another love misstep. Develop a plan that helps you become more observant of you and the person who interests you.

4. Get preventive by boosting your social participation.

Look at your current behavior. Are you turning down invitations? Are you avoiding arranging times to be with friends and colleagues? Examine how much in-person time you spend with others. Do you do volunteer work? Do you make excuses for not attending lectures or your town’s free events? Social isolation increases feelings of loneliness. And when these feelings get too intense, they can put you at risk for acting hastily.

5. Feel your feelings.

Don’t bury them with food, alcohol, overspending or endless time on social media sites with people you barely know. When you make friends with your emotional pain, you will be less likely to let your unhappiness cloud your judgment and intuition about people. Recognize that feelings of loneliness and desperation are warning signs that you need to connect in meaningful ways with others. These feelings are most likely adaptive responses that evolved over time to force social contact with families, groups and tribes for the purposes of increasing chances of survival—including better health. Medical professionals have long known that being alone impairs health and longevity.

6. Don’t define yourself negatively.

Almost all of us have gone through bad times that tempt you to let them define you. So what if you are alone or recently divorced or older or whatever it is that makes you feel too flawed for love. Make a list of people who care and value you. List your accomplishments and what you’ve overcome. Use your own measurements of success. After all, few if any know how far you’ve come in life.

And, contrary to many suggestions, make a list of negative beliefs you have about you. Now ask yourself: Where did these beliefs come from–disgruntled previous partners or from my parents? And could their words to you really tell you more about them and their problems?

7. Slow down.

Even if you do meet someone who might be a good match for you, take your time in the relationship. Postpone sex until you know each other better over time. And make this time together resemble real life as much as possible. Hang out with friends, watch your favorite shows together, and let your new partner see your quirks and reactions.

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