What’s Your Love Language?
In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman talks about how we all need to know how we give – and want to receive – love. Listen to Vanessa Van Edwards explain further in this video.
In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman talks about how we all need to know how we give – and want to receive – love. Listen to Vanessa Van Edwards explain further in this video.
If you’ve never heard of the Myers-Briggs Personality test, this video will help you understand who you are and why.
“If only he would pick up on my hints so I don’t have to spell it out!”
“If only he would talk to me about his feelings!”
“If only she would let me give her advice and not just want me to listen to her problems!”
Do these thoughts ever go through your mind? I’m sure they have. We have all had frustrations with the opposite sex at one point or another. It can lead to conflict, divorce, and pain if we don’t try to understand each other more. But no one ever teaches us about gender differences, unless you happen to come across a class like mine when you are in college.
I have been teaching gender communication for about 15 years, and it’s my favorite class. Why? Because my students become mesmerized. They have so many “Ah Ha!” moments. I love that!
Here are eight research-proven facts about gender that could be helpful to you:
1. People start “gender-izing” before a baby is even born.
I know people who decorate their baby boy’s room with images of footballs, basketballs and anything else sports-related. And they decorate girls’ rooms with pink colors, flowers, and frilly things. And don’t forget the flower headbands on the girl babies! The point here is that we are all so obsessed with labeling our children that we automatically set forth these unspoken expectations even before they are born.
2. Gender ideals are culturally bound (and time-bound).
American women shave their legs and arm pits. But in some other areas of the world, this isn’t so. And back several hundred years ago, the gender ideal for a woman was to be overweight and have very white skin (because it meant they were rich enough to eat well and not work in the fields). Now it’s the opposite. So gender ideals are very relative — even within families. Some families expect traditional gender roles from their children, while others welcome challenging those boundaries.
3. We tend to model our same-sex parent’s behavior.
The Social Learning Theory suggests that we model the behavior that we see on a regular basis. Therefore, if your mom wore make-up, did all the household chores, and was a stay-at-home mom, then you are more likely to follow in her footsteps. However, if your dad stayed at home with the kids while your mom was CEO of a company, you are more likely to follow their behavior. This theory makes gender behavior a little more individualistic and relative to families.
4. Males and females learn differently and are not treated the same in the classroom.
I’m sure you’ve heard that boys tend to be better at math, science and spatial subjects. And girls are better at reading and language. But did you know that teachers also treat them differently? From pre-school to graduate school, teachers tend to focus more time and attention on male students. The reasons for this vary, but it is true.
5. Men and women tend to have different leadership styles.
Traditionally, men have dominated the public sphere (business world and everything outside the home), whereas women have dominated the private sphere. Because of that, there are different skills required to be successful in these different arenas. One of those differing skills is their leadership styles. While there is a lot of research on the topic, men tend to be more autocratic leaders — they “tell people what to do.” On the contrary, women tend to be more democratic leaders — they ask input from their subordinates and give them more of a voice. Of course, not every male or female leader falls into these categories, but those are the tendencies.
6. Many women use “powerless” language.
Females tend to use language that undercuts their power and authority, and it is also excessively polite. They often say things like, “This might be a stupid idea, but …” or “I’m so sorry, am I bothering you? I can come back later…” or “You’ll be home soon, won’t you?” These types of ways of speaking gives up the power to the other person to say, “Yes, that’s a stupid idea” or “Yes, you’re bothering me — go away” or “No, I won’t be home soon.” Women are socialized to speak like this because they are supposed to be nice and polite to other people, but it undermines their self-confidence as well.
7. Women listen to connect with another person, and men listen to solve a problem.
When listening to a woman, men often think, “Oh my gosh, can she just GET TO THE POINT?” And women are thinking, “Why can’t he just listen to me without giving me advice and trying to fix my problem?” This is normal. Women view listening as something that bonds people. Men, however, are very goal-oriented. They don’t really see the point of just listening to someone vent if they can’t help them. Neither style is bad, they are just different!
8. The media simultaneously creates and perpetuates gender stereotypes.
As I discussed in point number two, gender ideals change and are culture-specific. And a huge area where we get messages about how we should be as a male or female is from the media. For example, women are socialized to want to have extravagant weddings. And men are socialized to want their independence. It’s not true for ALL men and ALL women, but generally speaking, it’s true.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. I teach an entire semester-long class about the topic of gender differences, so there is no way that I could fit it all into one little article. But hopefully I gave you some information that will help you be more tolerant and forgiving of the opposite sex!
It’s difficult enough to meet someone who seems like a good love match. But then, over time, things happen between you and your partner that make you wonder: “Is this the right person for me?”
It seems as though it should be such an easy question to answer. But once you fall in love, your head and heart can conspire to make you minimize your unhappiness. As the saying goes, love really can make you blind.
Research about marriage reveals that even great relationships go through rough patches that can last months or even years. Another surprising finding is that these mutally happy couples also live with important unresolved issues.
What keeps these couples happy together is that they sustain the building blocks of long lasting, mutually satisfying relationships: commitment, passion, friendship, respect, complementary styles and abilities, good communication and problem-solving skills, and shared interests and values.
Every couple is different. All you have to do to know that love has its wild cards is to look at all the combinations of couples that make you think: “What an odd pair.”
I can’t possibly know if your partner is the one for you, but I’m offering you this guide to help you assess whether you are in a bad relationship. This list is based on findings from my five-year research with thousands of women for my book. It consists of statements that these women used to get a more honest picture of their relationships.
It’s possible that only one thing on the list below, such as domestic violence, is sufficient for you to know to get help or get out. Use this list to educate you and to activate your newly informed intuition to help you understand your situation and make smart decisions.
Read each statement and think if it applies to your partner. There is no magic number that means you should leave. As you can imagine, I strongly recommend you see a licensed mental health counselor for guidance. Don’t let doubts linger or get swept under your radar.
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Respect is earned. It is a vital part of healthy love Are you proud of your partner?.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Loving partners do not air dirty laundry in public They do not abuse in private.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Research shows that a sarcastic and criticizing style erodes love.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Your partner should want the best for you. Jealousy taints your joy.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Mature partners are able to give up having to be right.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Healthy couples get solution-focused, and they don’t replay the past.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Inability or reluctance to say I’m sorry means someone does not take responsibility. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual self-responsibility.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Sex should never be demeaning or insensitive to your needs.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Happy couples tell the partner what is bothering them.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Affairs are real threats to love. About a third of couples survives and thrives after an affair.)
Almost all the time Most of the time Sometimes Rarely
(Stealing and lying about money is a real breach of trust and respect.)
What have you learned about your relationship? Don’t act in haste. Get professional help. If you feel your life and safety are in danger, seek counseling to develop a safety plan first before you pack your bags. But even if it’s something as simple as you want to buy some contemporary wall art, but he gets angry with you for that, then it’s time to reconsider your whole relationship.
I hope these tips help. My mission is to help you grow your emotional bravery and intuitive power in life, love, work, happiness, and success! You can be part of my next book about intuition! Your story can help others! Go to my website www.lovevictory.com and sign up on the right column to receive gifts and information.
We all grew up watching Disney movies. While they are fun to watch, have you ever thought about what kinds of messages they give us?
I am a communication professor, and one of the classes I teach is about gender. This doesn’t just include how men and women communicate differently, but also the cultural expectations that we get from our society.
But let’s talk about the Disney movies. First, you have Cinderella. She was the “underdog.” She was poor, unwanted, and bullied by her Wicked Stepmother and her stepsisters. Her life is going nowhere, and she’s sad and miserable. Until one day, her fairy godmother appears and says that she gets to go to a ball. She meets her Prince Charming, and loses her glass slipper. Since Prince Charming has already fallen in love with her, he searches high and low for the girl who fits into the glass slipper. And of course, he finds her and they live happily ever after.
Then we have Snow White. The Wicked Queen was jealous of Snow White’s beauty, and so she orders her innocent stepdaughter to be murdered. Later, she discovers that Snow White is still alive and hiding in a cottage with seven friendly little miners – the dwarves. So she disguises herself as a hag and brings a poisoned apple to Snow White, who falls into a death-like sleep that can only be broken only by a kiss from the prince.
Do you see a theme here? The demure, beautiful, submissive female is hated by an older, uglier woman who tries to either punish or kill her. Then, the only way that she is saved is by having a handsome prince rescue her.
And then they live happily ever after.
When you break it down like that and make it a bit more literal, it doesn’t sound so romantic – or realistic – does it? Of course we know that Disney movies aren’t realistic.
Or do we?
Do we secretly hope that our lives will turn out like Cinderella or Snow White? Most of us would just chuckle at the thought and think “that’s ridiculous!”
But the subconscious mind is powerful. Many times, our beliefs and desires aren’t even part of our conscious awareness.
For example, how many women reading this played “bride” or “getting married” when they were young girls? It’s not that uncommon. Even if you didn’t do that, you probably dreamed of your perfect husband and fantasized about your wedding day. So you might not have verbalized your expectations and desires, but they were definitely there.
And how about the perfect proposal? I have a cousin who had her proposal planned out to the tiniest detail. She even told me, “When I meet the man I’m going to marry, you have to tell him this is the kind of proposal that I want, okay?” It consisted of a trail of clues and love notes…and a fancy dress in a hotel waiting for her…and then a limo taking her to some secret romantic location. And it all left her wondering what was happening. But all the while she really knew that it was her prince who was creating this elaborate proposal. And of course, they would live happily ever after.
The funny thing is that this cousin just recently got engaged. And did it happen like she wanted?
Of course not.
Maybe that’s my fault for not cluing the guy in. Whoops. Sorry, Michelle. But I’m still going to get you an extra special wedding gift.
But you get my point.
Our cultures talks about the prince and the proposal. It talks about riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after.
But it never talks about how to make that happen.
Once the honeymoon period wears off, then what? By then, you might be highly irritated that he never does the laundry. Or that he always watches sports. Or any other list of complaints that eventually emerge in a marriage.
Our schools don’t teach us how to deal with relationship problems. They teach us science, math, English, and even physical education, but not how to have a good relationship. Or how to repair one that needs it.
Sometimes our culture just sets us up for disappointment. I know what you’re thinking, “Gosh, she’s really bitter and unhappy!” Actually nothing could be further from the truth.
Did I have unrealistic expectations of romance and marriage? Absolutely. Did I know that I did? No. Well, maybe a little, but not enough. And just in case you’re wondering, yes, I am divorced. But I did really try to make it work.
But actually, I’m quite happy being single.
The point I’m trying to make in this article is that the expectations that our culture gives us about “happily ever after” are not accurate. Sure, the lucky few end up like Noah and Allie in The Notebook. But I don’t know a whole lot of them. I hope you do. But I don’t.
So instead of focusing so much on a fantasy, or the perfect wedding day, I think it’s more important that we focus on how to have a happy marriage. How to get along. How to love each other unconditionally regardless of our differences – and our expectations.
Real life is not a Disney movie. Even though we all know that, I think at some level, we all hope that we will be one of the lucky few who ends up being the exception to that rule.
If you got nothing else from this article, I hope that you will teach your children (or grandchildren) how to have healthy relationships. And realistic expectations.
Believe it or not, I think that we all can have our own version of happily ever after. But in order to do that, we need the knowledge, tools, and desire to keep putting effort into our relationship for the rest of our lives.
It can be done. I have faith that it can.
What about you?
In Turin, Italy, an anonymous citizen wrote the tax office enclosing 10,000 Lira in the envelope and explained he had cheated on his income tax. He said it caused him to lose his appetite. Then he added, “If my appetite doesn’t improve I’ll send the rest.”
It sounds like an easy weight loss program, but I don’t think it could work for me. Guilt doesn’t keep me from eating. It has kept me awake more than once, however.
William Wirt Winchester’s widow Sarah built a bizarre mansion in San Jose, California, to assuage her feelings of remorse. It is a house built over a 38-year period at a cost of over five million dollars. The 160 room house has stairways that lead to blank walls, corridors that lead to un-openable doors, 13 bathrooms, 13 stair steps, 13 lights to a chandelier, 13 windows to a room…strange.
Her husband was the son of Oliver Fisher Winchester, manufacturer of the famous Winchester repeating rifle. The house is referred to as the “guilt house,” and was conceived as a never-ending building project to provide a home for spirits of those killed by Winchester rifles. Instead of addressing her grief and remorse in more therapeutic ways, Sarah’s project occupied the rest of her life.
The late Erma Bombeck called guilt “the gift that keeps on giving.” (She also said she came from a family of pioneers – said her mother invented guilt in 1936.) And it CAN be a gift that keeps on giving when it isn’t laid to rest. It can keep on giving problems to everyone it touches – emotional, physical and spiritual. It seems that if we don’t find a way to deal with it, guilt may deal with us in some frightening ways.
Do you have unresolved guilt? I’m not talking about “good” guilt, the feelings of shame or remorse that keep us from doing something incredibly stupid or hurtful. I mean unnecessary guilt. Over-anxiety and self-loathing about that which can no longer be changed.
If so, it may help to remember that:
● In one day you can recognize where your feelings of guilt come from.
● In one day you can decide to make necessary amends to those you may have hurt.
● In one day you can decide to ask for forgiveness from others.
● In one day you can exercise your spiritual power and choose to be at one with God and the universe.
● In one day you can decide to be gentler with yourself and allow yourself to experience the healing balm of acceptance.
● In one day you can resolve to learn from the past and not repeat your behavior.
● In one day you can choose to do something constructive with that guilt, and then continue every day until it is only a memory.
And best of all, that one day can be today.
By Dick Sutphen
When you live with expectations and desires, it follows you want to control outcomes. You want things to unfold in your favor. But you can’t control outcomes in life. The best you can hope to do is increase the odds through wisdom.
If you’re desiring a particular outcome, step back and ask yourself, “What’s the fear associated with the outcome?”
Explore the fear, including the worst that might happen if things did not turn out in your favor. If you’re committed to an outcome, the fear will be related to loss: The loss of love, loss of control, loss of finances, or the loss of self-esteem. Which applies to your situation?
Then ask yourself, “What if I could take the fear out of my desire?”
If there were no fear, the outcome would not matter. Logical.
So we’re back to resolving fear, a subject I write about a lot, because I’m working on it all the time.
As New Agers, we believe we can create our own reality, and I know this to be true, when we’re talking about finding happiness and fulfillment and living an abundant life. Reality is created by the way we view and accept what is. But don’t confuse this with controlling outcomes that in any way effect other people.
In other words, if you want if you want Leigh to fall in love with you, that is not within your power to control, no matter how many mind-programming CDs you use. The same is true with winning the pageant, getting your book accepted by a major publisher, or desiring a beautiful sunset.
Expectations and the desire to control do not work. Both are fear-based emotions, which we incarnated to rise above.
Many New Agers believe in controlling their thoughts. But it can’t be done. You can catch yourself when you’re thinking negative. You can use thought-stopping techniques which condition you, over time, to reduce fearful thinking. But out-and-out control of your thoughts isn’t an option.
What you can control is your behavior–your actions.
Mystics have always said a wise seeker learns to live without desire. Easier said than done. Probably not going to happen in this lifetime, but finding a self-actualized balance seems to me a worthy goal.
By Alice McCall
All of us have had disappointments in our lives. We have worked hard for something that just didn’t happen – like a promotion, or a job offer. Many of us have had an unforeseen event or accident occur that renders us helpless.
When you are faced with a life experience that isn’t what you expected, consider the power of acceptance. That’s right, plain old ‘acceptance’.
It is easy to accept life when everything goes your way, but most of us tend to resist when the tide shifts, therefore not accepting things as they really are. Often the most powerful life lessons come from these times. You learn about yourself, what you are capable of, and what you have to offer others. Remember, everything is in perfect working order from your soul’s perspective. Since you do not have that perspective, it is best to accept the moment and let go of your expectations.
You may think that things are not working, because it is not what you had planned or expected. You then complicate the process by resisting – due to the expectations that you have created.
You may feel that if you are good and follow your truths that nothing bad will happen. You then can feel frustrated and betrayed when ‘bad’ things happen. I’d like to offer another perspective. There are no bad experiences. What appears bad is only the result of your perceptions and classifications about a situation at a particular moment in time.
Have you ever looked back on a so-called ‘bad experience’, only to see that a new direction followed? This experience probably changed your path, creating something that was so much better for you. It is not easy for us to recognize the bigger picture in the moment, but our soul can. Remember everything that at first appears bad, always has a gift inside for you.
You may also feel as if you have been ‘stopped’ from moving forward. Your progression probably isn’t halted but rather, you are finding a new direction.
As your soul grows and evolves there are always ‘tests of faith’. These can often feel like a struggle, however, to your soul it is an advancement, which you often complicate by resisting. As easy as it is to fall into a pattern of resisting or getting upset, it won’t change the situation. So, why not switch that pattern and support your soul’s advancement through acceptance.
Here is a message that I received in a meditation the last time I was faced with a ‘why me’ experience which was leaving me angry and in despair… “Do not be hurt or angry when your soul is following its natural course of direction.”
Therefore, when things are not going your way, let it be so. But how? How do you find acceptance?
First: Surrender the need to change it. Surrender the need to question it. Surrender the expectation of how it should be. Surrender the need to ask, “Why is this happening to me?” Just accept that this is what is supposed to be happening right now.
Second: Quiet yourself. All answers come to a quiet, harmonious mind. Peace comes to you when you accept it. Peace cannot be forced or willed, it must be experienced. Wealth in all forms comes easily when you acknowledge, accept, and appreciate all that you have been given. Accept your plight as an opportunity to learn and move forward. Do not view it as an obstacle. See the opportunities in your available directions, and accept them as they are.
Third: Release the need and frustration of what it is not available at this time. Let go of what is not working and move forward. Do not dwell on what you are leaving behind, if you do, it will only hinder your new opportunities. Remember the future is always greater than the past.
A great exercise to help you visualize and release attachments is to see each thing or thought inside a balloon. Focus in on the color, the size, and even the shape of each balloon. Then see your hand holding the strings. Slowly release each balloon, watching them fade away into a cloudless blue sky.
My final word on the topic of acceptance is to allow the process of your life to unfold gracefully. Acceptance allows this to happen. Choose acceptance and you will receive the gift of all that is suppose to be!
Vulnerability is _________?
Did you fill in the blank with a positive or negative word? Statistically most of you chose a negative word. Why? Why is being vulnerable considered negative? A weakness to be shamed and feared?
If you’re like me, even mentioning the word makes you shudder and scowl.
Vulnerable: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, open to attack or damage, assailable
Ah! No wonder we are shivering in our stilettos! What a terrible and scary definition. Well, I’ve had enough of that… let’s take “vulnerable” back!
The way I see it, being vulnerable is amazing. It is necessary to live a joyous, spectacular and full life. Every day I try to become more vulnerable.
As written in Daring Greatly, “love is an intense form of vulnerability.” So how can we be open to love if we are not capable of being vulnerable?
We are not the only ones talking about vulnerability. A TED Talk entitled “The Power of Vulnerability” had over 17 million views. 17 million!!! Brene Brown has amassed a wealth of knowledge and research on the subject, and I encourage you to reflect on her words of wisdom.
Explore being vulnerable and remember to:
Ways to practice being vulnerable:
Natalie’s Suggested List:
“The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown… watch her being vulnerable!
“Can You be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable?” by Pamela Madsen… read her suggestions.
For closeness: travel. No, I don’t mean to go to take a road trip or to fly away to some exotic place. But there are ways to go deeper into a relationship –- like traveling. And there are things we can do to help a relationship really go somewhere. Let me explain.
Inmate Mitchell King had a visitor — his wife. King was serving a six-year jail term in Auckland, New Zealand for armed robbery. But his wife didn’t want to be away from him for that long. So they held hands. She wanted them to always stick together – through it all. Hand in hand, forever joined. And they did stick together. She had rubbed her palms with Super Glue.
Their new-found closeness was short-lived. And their separation painful. (I suggest we put the Super Glue idea on a short list of “THINGS NOT TO DO” when we want to grow closer.)
But if you want a deeper connection with someone you care about, if you want relationships that are more intimate, more meaningful and longer-lasting, then try this simple technique. Just remember the word “TRAVEL.”
T is for TRUST. If we’re seeking a glue to cement us to another, then trust is that bond. A relationship will go nowhere without it.
R is for RESPECT. Some people talk about how much they have always respected their cherished friends and family at a funeral. But why wait? People want to know that we hold them in high regard. It’s about valuing others and letting them know you respect them.
A is for AFFECTION. Sometimes affection means love. Sometimes it means a touch. Or a hug. Always it means kindness.
V is for VULNERABILITY. Though we may feel afraid to let another too close, no relationship will go anywhere without taking a risk. Like entrepreneur Jim Rohn says, “The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.” And the love.
E is for EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. It about learning to be open. Learning to communicate freely. The quality of relationships we make are largely determined by how openly we communicate.
L is for LAUGHTER. Victor Borge got it right when he said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” It’s also the most enjoyable.
So for a relationship that can really go somewhere, just remember the word “TRAVEL.” Then enjoy the trip.
Are you confused by yourself sometimes? Do you not understand why you do what you do? In this short video, Dr. Carol Morgan teaches you the concept of “sub-personalities” and how they affect you, your relationships, and your life.
By Talya Flowers
We are all seeking and searching for something.
For some, it is fame, fortune, happiness, a rewarding career, or if your path is similar to mine, a deeper relationship with Christ. Whatever it is, I would argue that above all else, we are searching for love. Once we receive the fame, fortune, happiness, or a rewarding career, then what else? We begin to seek someone with whom we can share our lives with. We want someone who accepts and approves of the life that we have built or are building for ourselves. With that knowledge in mind, consider the following:
Imagine my hypothetical relationship as it unfolds: I become more and more critical of my significant other. By my actions and by my words, I tell him that I don’t like the way he dresses, I don’t like who he hangs out with, I don’t like his family members, I don’t like the way he thinks, I don’t like the career he has chosen, I don’t like the way he cooks, I don’t like the fact that his spiritual life is not on the same level as mine. Would my relationship go very far? Am I fostering an environment for intimacy? Am I displaying Christ?
If I constantly did that to my significant other, I am killing the very core of who he is. I have taken it upon myself to change who he is by demanding that he become more like me. When the problem is not him, it’s me. The scripture tells us candidly that we are made in the image of God. We are not made in the image of one another. I cannot tell someone to change (this is not for abusive relationships. If someone is being abusive, they will have to change to stay in a relationship with you or they will have to move on without you). Giving more of yourself does not eradicate the abuse, tolerance worsens the abuse. I cannot demand, manipulate or control someone to change because abuse is a heart problem, and Christ is the only one with the ability to transform hearts.
So, in the process of lording over someone, I’ve damaged the one person who I’ve claimed to love. Why, when I chose him? I have a choice in the matter. You have a choice in the matter.
Here are my five suggestions for ways to be more accepting:
1. Stop criticizing
Constant criticism coming from someone who claims to love you becomes emotionally draining over time. There is one thing to offer constructive criticism but another to just be criticizing for the sake of criticizing. If someone is making an effort to learn, don’t criticize his or her efforts. If anything, praise them. In your praise, they will be willing go above and beyond for you.
2. Stop judging
Judging is damaging. I’ll say it again, judging someone is damaging. Judging someone for who they are and the choices that they’ve made is detrimental to the relationship. Why destroy something that you are trying to build by judging another person, unless you know, of course, that you won’t be sticking around to heal their emotional wounds.
3. Allow growth
Acceptance/growing together is a process because it does not happen overnight. I once had an acquaintance tell me that his mom and dad could read each other thoughts. He was expecting/demanding that in his present relationship. Slow your role; couples do no wake up and start reading each other’s minds. That requires time, effort and vulnerability—none of which he was giving in his relationship.
4. Be realistic
Everything in life is a choice, choose wisely. The more you are able to understand someone for who they were in the past and who they are in the present; you’ll be able to learn and to understand their behaviors and attitudes. Time is your friend. Be patient, be gentle and most of all take your time.
5. Be open
Communication is the glue that keeps couples together. Intimacy is formed by communication. Being verbally demanding, manipulative or controlling stifles all forms of security. Do not get in a relationship if you are going to use your words, on your spouse, as a punching bag. Do not get into a relationship where the person treats people poorly but worships the ground you walk on. Everyone, from the janitor to the president, deserves respect and to be treated kindly.
Acceptance forms the foundation for love, for without it, all relationships will fail. Christ accepts and loves us just as we are. Then he begins to shape and mold us into his image after we begin to see the beauty of giving our lives to him. Do the same for your significant other. Allow them to fly and to grow into who God called them to be before you start berating and belittling them for who they can never be. Luckily, we can change by making a choice. It just depends on the path chosen. if you are searching to find love: look within. If you’re already in a relationship, instead of criticizing and condemning the person you chose to be in a relationship with why not take the time to grow together?
Always remember that no matter what, you are more than enough not because of who you are but because of whose you are.
Do you frequently obsess about what other people think of you? If you do, Dr. Carol Morgan gives you some solid advice to stop caring about that, and how to start being your authentic self!
Anger is just one letter short of danger — it seems to be as true in English as well as in practice. Dr. Bedford Williams at Duke University has determined that students who score high on a “hostility test” are in far greater danger of dying young than their peers. In fact, those who are prone to anger are in greater physical danger than those who smoke, have high blood pressure, or even high cholesterol.
Not that we should never be angry. It is a normal part of life. We all get “worked up,” “overheated,” or just plain “hopping mad” at times. Those closest to us know it best. (Just ask my kids!)
One little boy said about his mother: “When she starts to act real weird, you have to look scared and serious. Don’t giggle. When mommies are mad, they get madder when you giggle.”
The good news is that simply getting angry does not seem to be the problem. Well-directed anger can be a helpful emotion. But staying angry is dangerous — to our health and to our relationships.
Here are four simple steps that can help move us out of the danger zone when we feel as if our hostility is running the show.
Uncontrolled anger will take over.
Don’t keep it in and let it fester.
Do what needs to be done to resolve the situation. Helplessness will only provoke more anger and, eventually, despair.
Just as there is a starting point for anger, there must be an ending. Make a decision not to prolong destructive hostility.
It can help to remember that for every minute we’re angry, we lose sixty seconds of happiness and sixty seconds of peace. The sooner we get out of the danger zone, the sooner we can get back to truly living.
Perhaps the end of your most recent relationship is a good thing regardless of who did the leaving. But now what’s the best next step for you?
Every situation has different details, but here are the top things to consider that emerged from my research and work with thousands of women.
1. Don’t swear off love for a long time. That decision could start an unhealthy cycle:
If this pattern sounds familiar, you are not alone. Almost three-quarters of the women from my research and private practice got caught in this Hurt-Lonely-Scared Cycle.
2. Understand that it is normal to feel unhappy, lonely, confused, angry, or relieved about your break up. If you become too depressed or furious, seek professional help immediately. Here’s a checklist you can use to chart your emotional reactions and determine that it’s time to get professional help.
Break up Recovery Checklist
If you experience the items on the list for more than two weeks, I recommend you see a counselor. I never like to volunteer to close doors. You have far more to lose by not getting some guidance and tips. Invest in you! You are worth it.
Check the statements that describe you.
3. Learn from your past relationship. No one likes making the same mistake too many times. Here are some questions to help you understand your past relationship.
4. Become careful about rebound love by jumping into another serious relationship immediately. That decision could land you in the most common and unhealthy love pattern:
You get trapped in the Relationship Flip where you over-correct your previously unhappy love pattern.
For example, if your previous partner was too mild or insecure or unreliable, you fall for someone who seems to take charge and has lots of confidence—but who ends up wanting to take charge of you! Or, if your previous partner was too controlling, you choose someone whose mildness morphs into meekness.
But notice that these two examples are just upside-down versions of the same pattern where someone is either too much or too little in charge or too passive.
The healthiest relationships consist of partners who fill in the gaps for the other partner’s weaknesses and who offer flexibility and reliability.
Know the reasons why you are in another relationship. Don’t do the following:
5. Become an expert in your reactions, feelings and assessments while on dates or in new relationships. Observe you on a date and your date at the same time. Observe important cues from your date such as:
6. Make the goal of dating to test your ability to read people accurately. Date lots of different kinds of people. Don’t worry if the person doesn’t seem your “type” or if there isn’t any “chemistry.” Give you and your dates time to build trust and respect and closeness. You might be surprised. Often, the best way to learn about you and your needs is to get to know different people.
7. Don’t have sex so soon. Get to know someone over time, and don’t let the high of sex flood your brain with pleasure hormones that cloud your ability to see and think clearly. Ask yourself: Are we both making love—or are we having sex? Do we share the same vision about what this experience means?
Buy Dr. Wish’s book right here:
It takes some adjusting to live in a family, and some people have difficulty making it work. Maybe that’s why comedian George Burns used to say, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” Sometimes that’s true. But it’s also true that more happiness can be found when we learn how to make our family life better, whether we live in a family or just visit relatives from time to time.
In her book Traits of a Healthy Family (1984), family consultant Dolores Curran drew on responses of more than 500 professionals who work with families of all kinds and shapes. A number of core values and behaviors surfaced in families these professionals generally consider to be healthy.
Here are a few of those top qualities. How many do you find in your family?
1. Families considered healthy practice good communication and listening. In fact, they work on this.
2. In these families, members experience plenty of affirmation and support. A migrant worker who often spends weeks away from home puts it like this: “Home is a place to go back to if things get rough out there.” It is where you are valued, affirmed, and loved.
3. When they are together, healthy families try to have a good time. Author Charlie Shedd says, “Whenever parents ask me, ‘How can I keep my children off drugs?’ I say, ‘Have fun.'” Evidently, the family that plays together, stays together.
4. These families share the work, too. There is a sense of shared responsibility. Everyone helps out; everyone pitches in.
5. There is a high level of trust in healthier families. The fastest way to drive a wedge between family members is to violate that trust.
6. Finally, these families usually share a common religious core and move toward similar spiritual goals.
No family is perfect — far from it! But families that work on these six traits will soon find themselves happier and healthier.
In this Motivational Monday video, Dr. Carol talks about the importance of practicing appreciation every day.
A Better Me expert, Dick Sutphen, talks about some things you need to think about when you are looking for your soul mate. Buy Dick’s million-copy best selling book, You Were Born Again To Be Together, here:
There was a time in my life when I really didn’t like being alone. My dislike of being alone, paired with my total avoidance of having the “it just isn’t working out” conversation, created the perfect recipe for empty calories in my dating life. In fact, it was one of my best friends who first used the empty calorie analogy with me about my dating habits. It was so spot-on and brilliant that I couldn’t be mad at her for calling me out on my not-so- productive dating pattern. There was certainly a part of me that was enjoying the male attention and I was avoiding having to disappoint anyone, but I would always end up feeling empty. I felt empty because I wasn’t on a path to what I truly desired; I wasn’t getting the sustenance that I really craved in my relationships.
In dating, empty calories are consumed when you are spending a significant amount of your time and energy with someone you know is not the right match for you.
Empty calories may be in the form of a great guy who just isn’t the right fit for you or a bad boy who is not interested in changing his ways. If you are looking for a long-term, significant relationship, I caution you to beware of empty calories. Just like a cookie, indulging in dating empty calories can feel good in the moment, but they could be preventing you from meeting the right person for you. And more importantly, they could be preventing you from being your best self and living your most authentic life.
Some dangers of consuming too many empty calories in your dating life include:
OK, this sounds harsh. Yes, I believe that every person and life experience offers us a chance to learn and grow. But, once you know you are not compatible with someone, you really are wasting valuable time: both yours and theirs. Time is precious and something to be valued. Time spent in dead end relationships is time that could be spent nurturing your friendships, working on your health, exploring a new hobby or even just being still and resting. Unlike empty calories, these things feed your mind, body and spirit. They make you a happier, healthier person and, yes, a better partner when someone special does come along.
I don’t know about you, but when I’m not being honest with myself or others I can’t shake a feeling of uneasiness in my gut. When we aren’t being congruent with our words, feelings, and actions it can make us feel really yucky. Many times we don’t feel that great about ourselves when we’re consuming empty calories. After the high of the attention is gone, we might find ourselves feeling down about spending time with someone who is not what we really need and want in a partner.
Of course there is always the risk that spending too much time with someone who holds no future for you will cause you to miss out on meeting someone who does meet your needs. There is no guarantee that you will find “The One” if you give up your empty calories. You may end up spending more time alone than you’re used to and that’s okay (in fact, it could be good for you). However, it doesn’t take a genius to see that lounging on the couch all weekend with empty calories limits your ability to be out there and available for a better match.
Don’t let those empty calories sabotage your most heartfelt goals. You deserve to find deeply satisfying love.
Need: Something that you have to have
Want: Something that you would like to have
My sister was right, “I don’t need a man.”
I believe that needing a man comes from a deep internal lack that breeds fear, insecurity, doubt, loneliness, desperation, rejection, abandonment, and shame. That list is not exhaustive. I can probably come up with millions of other words to describe not feeling adequate enough to be alone. The mentality that you have to have a man will leave you always seeking for a love that you will never be able to find. Your love life will be a never ending revolving door because after one break-up, you’ve already moved on to the next. Let’s be realistic. One door can’t close unless you’ve healed, and that is why you need a man to cover up the insecurities. In this state, you will gladly take anyone because you are desperate for love, attention, and affection.
Now, if you see the shenanigans of needing a man, then you’re ready to have an “I want a man mentality.”
When you want a man, you won’t settle for just anything because you know your worth. You see yourself as valuable. You see yourself as special. You see yourself as having a lot of good to add to someone’s life, and you’ve done everything that you can possible do to be in the best relationship, not with somebody else, but with yourself. Wanting a man comes from a deep internal sufficient reservoir that breeds hope, security
, certainty, love, peace, acceptance, self-control, and honor. You are adequate being alone because you know that it is part of the journey, and all journeys must come to an end.
When you arrive at your destination, you will look back and realize that the time spent with yourself were the best moments of your life. And eventually, you will meet another soul that has an internal sufficient reservoir and both of you will pour abundantly into each other.
Do you get sucked into people’s ‘games’ that they play with you? Dr. Carol Morgan tells you how you can save your sanity and make it stop. For more great tips about relationships from Dr. Carol, you can buy her relationship book right here:
This past year has been incredible. Best year on record without doubt. It’s been my most challenging year – mentally, physically, and emotionally. But it has been the most rewarding by a long shot. As I sail into the new year, I’m happy. Motivated. Inspired. And I have a lot of people to thank for that.
Sometimes out of heartache comes amazing clarity. My eyes were opened this year, and it was terrifying. I realized I had been living my life not as me, but a masked version of myself that I believed the people around me wanted to see. While the shock ran its course, I started to come out of the fog and I was more alive and aware of who I am than I had ever realized was possible.
As 2014 came to a close, I began reflecting on how I came to this point. I realized it was a combination of amazing people who have crossed my path this year as I traveled the world.
I didn’t – and couldn’t have – done it alone. It’s the people around me who made the difference.
And I wanted them to know how their kindness, openness, influence, and support made a tremendous difference.
How often do you acknowledge the people that have inspired you? Helped you? Loved you?
These past few months I’ve sent out a handful of written letters, Facebook messages, and even a scribbled note to express my appreciation for those people. I was floored by the responses I received.
“Your message was so incredibly touching and so unbelievably well timed I can hardly wrap my head around it.”
“That is the nicest out of the blue message I’ve ever received…thank you so much- I’m so stoked I was a positive influence.”
“That message brought tears to my eyes. I needed to hear that today. Thank you, I’m glad I was able to touch your life.”
How can people so amazing be so surprised to hear it? Some of the people who do the most for us never know how much it’s worth. That’s not right. It’s so easy to take from others – in the form of inspiration, knowledge, a place to stay, a hug when you need it… But don’t forget that those people are giving something. Thank them for it.
In recent weeks, I’ve been brought to tears by the kind words that others have shared with me. Even I’m surprised when I get reminders that I’ve had an impact on someone else’s life. Getting a phone call with such sweet sentiment that I had to sit down because I was so blown away I was shaking … Crying over breakfast because I’d received a message with heartfelt, kind words about who I am as a person … It all reminds me of the power that words carry. I will never forget these messages.
So send a note, a letter, take them for a coffee and tell them in person. Let them know what they have done for you and how much you appreciate them!
I think we often go through life without realizing our true impact we have on others around us – both good and bad. We have an amazing opportunity each day to wake up and choose to share our love with others.
Know that when you listen to a friend in need, smile at a complete stranger, or stop and share your thankfulness, you are making a difference.
By Talya Flowers
Words are seeds.
Whatever you say, will grow.
Whatever words you use for or against yourself, will be.
Choose wisely.
Words are powerful. They have the power to kill and destroy relationships, demolish an individual’s identity, self-esteem and self-worth, and build up strongholds in a person’s mind.
I have mentioned several times in my articles about the importance of renewing the mind because that is where every issue begins – and from the mouth is where every issue is settled. Where are your seeds settling? I wholeheartedly believe that whatever comes out of the mouth, in anger, spite, or resentment, is truly what that person believes. Because the seeds that fall out of our mouths stem from the very thoughts that we have ruminating over and over in our minds.
With so many hurting people today, I am making it my duty to make everyone I come into contact with know that they are valued and that they matter. If there is a long line in the store, I refuse to take it out on the cashier. If my food is not being “prepared” fast enough at a restaurant, I refuse to take it out on the waitress, cashier, or busboy. If someone is yelling in my face and telling me off, I refuse to reason with them in that manner. I refuse because we never know what each person is facing in their personal lives when we meet them at that particular time. I realize now that sometimes the ones who hurt us the most, need to really be shown an example of God-like love.
I once gave an acquaintance a compliment about a teal sweater he was wearing, and his eye sparkled. Then he took a step back and stammered to push “thank you” out of his mouth. I was being honest with him, but his reaction showed me just how powerful our words can be.
Here’s another example: Several months ago, I reached in to give one of my friends a departure hug. After a second, I stepped back, and he held me for a second longer. I wiggled to free myself, and sternly said “what are you doing?” He looked at me intently and said, “I was just appreciating the moment.” His seeds grew immediately. But I played tough, and told him to stop being a creeper. As I turned to walk away to get in my car, my jaw dropped. I sat in my car for 5 minutes, as it warmed up, really thinking about the words he had just said. That one seed: “I was just appreciating the moment,” turned into, “I appreciate your time, I appreciate the time we spent together, and eventually, I appreciate you.” I cried like a baby – and that is how much I am drawn to the words that people use.
Here are my suggestions for always making your words count:
If you are ever involved with someone whose love language is words of affirmation, try not to verbally criticize/correct your partner all the time. If it is a small matter, then leave it a small matter; don’t make mountains out of molehills. If what a person is doing is hazardous to your mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual well-being, politely bring up the issue and use a buffer (“I love how you do this … x,y,z but you could do this like this!“) Those fortunate individuals like me whose love language are words of affirmation, hear criticism differently than most people. Tread lightly and always choose kindness.
Encouraging people comes easily to me (it’s my gift!). I believe that we all have unearthed potential that can be cultivated and then used for a greater purpose. Be your friends, family members, or spouse’s biggest cheerleader. Encourage them in an area that they are truly passionate about. Use your words to encourage them. When you encourage someone, then your words are being used to instill courage into them. Never encourage them in an area that they are not passionate about; follow your spouse’s train of thought, so to speak.
Don’t give meaningless compliments, encouragement, or feedback. Your words should come from a place of sincerity and honesty to be uplifting.
Sometimes it is hard to be kind, encouraging, honest, and gentle at the same time because we want to quickly get what we want to say off of our chests, never realizing that our tone of voice is all wrong. A gentle critique is heard, whereas a condemning critique causes a person to shut down and never hear what you are trying to say. I read a book that said “you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.” Excessive mentioning of faults crushes the spirit, so be very gentle in your tone of voice when you have to use your words to rebuild.
An open heart is ready to receive all that life has to offer, so always be open to receive whatever someone is saying to you. Do you have to cling to their every word? No, but people want to know that they are being heard. If someone has the courage to come and tell you something about yourself then listen and be open. Be willing to see things from their point of view. I bet you both can gain something.
Always remember, your words have the power to touch the soul and leave a person feeling more loved and appreciated by just being in your presence.
In this week’s Motivational Monday video, our editor talks about the concept of failure – and how there really is no such thing.
We have all tried it – changing people. But does it work? Listen to Dr. Carol Morgan and she gives a piece of her wisdom on the topic.
Buy her relationship book here!
Lifestyle expert, Lissa Coffey, gives 6 valuable tips for dating and relationships.
Does this photo look like you when you don’t get what you want? Do you become aggressive or argumentative? If so, keep reading.
We all like to get our way. I don’t know one person who doesn’t. But how do we make that happen? As you may have guessed, I don’t suggest emulating this toddler in the feature photo – unless you want to get what you don’t want.
We all use persuasion every day, whether we know it or not. Getting someone to comply with what you want them to do can take place in many different contexts. You can persuade your significant other, your boss, your client, or even give a persuasive speech or presentation. Regardless of what context you are applying your persuasive skills, there are some useful strategies that can help you get what you want easily.
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “what’s in it for me?” And I’m sure most of you reading this have thought or even said it yourself! We all have. Let’s face it: we’re all inherently self-centered. If something doesn’t make us happier or our lives better, we are not very interested in it. So in order to persuade your “audience” (whether it is an individual or an audience of 1,000 people), you need to tell them how it is going to benefit them. You can’t just focus on yourself or they will tune out. If you focus on helping them achieve their wants and desires, they will be ready to sign on the dotted line.
Human beings are not only self-centered‒many of us are lazy too! Anyone who has made a New Year’s Resolution to lose weight, eat healthier, and exercise more knows how difficult it is to change your habits or your lifestyle. Plus, it is much easier to persuade people on simple things (“Here! Try this new hot fudge sunday!” or “This new toothpaste is great! You should try it!”) rather than deeper convictions (“Hey! You should switch religions!” or “I love the president, but you hate him. Vote for him anyway!”). Audiences need to be exposed to a message multiple times before they even consider changing their attitudes or behaviors.
Let’s say you are out at a furniture store to buy a new couch and love seat. A sales person comes up to you and starts up a conversation. You had already picked out your couches, but the sales person really annoys you. He smells bad, talks too much, and follows you around yammering on and on about nothing. Even if you were just about to whip out your credit card to buy the furniture, you might just want to make your escape to get away from the sales person. You might even do that and try to find another store that sells the same couches‒I think you get the point. If your audience doesn’t like you, they’re not going to buy into what you say. Be nice, friendly, and connected. Make sure you think about the impression you’re giving off at all times.
Would you vote for a political candidate who you didn’t trust? Would you lend money to a friend if you didn’t think she would pay you back? Of course not! People are more easily persuaded by others that they trust. That is one of the reasons Oprah has the “golden touch.” If she recommends a book to her audience, it automatically becomes a best-seller. Why? Because they trust Oprah! They trust her opinion, so they will automatically do what she says to do. So in order for you to get people to do what you want them to, you need to gain their trust as well.
One of the easiest ways to persuade someone is to use emotion. Great examples of this are the television commercials that show the starving children in third world countries. They ask you to donate money to them on a monthly basis so they can have clean water, food, clothes, and schooling. The visual images are very sad, and so it makes people want to give money to help them. Even in personal relationships, we use emotion to persuade. However, you have to be careful doing this. Sometimes it is not ethical if you use guilt to manipulate someone on purpose. But appealing to positive emotions like love, happiness, belonging, or togetherness is a great way to get your “audience” to agree with you.
Not everyone is an emotional person. Some people might be turned off by overly using emotion to persuade them. So it’s important to remember to use logic sometimes, too. If your “audience” is one person, try to assess their personality as best as you can. See if they seem to appreciate logic and rationality over emotion. But if your audience is a large group of people, you will have a mixture of different people. So the best thing to do is to combine logic with emotional appeals. That way, you will likely influence everyone in some way.
If you are an expert on the topic, make sure the audience knows. Dress the part. Look the part. Act the part. Be dynamic. Be engaging. Your audience will be much more persuaded if you give them reasons why they should pay attention to you. People are very easily persuaded by people they know or respect. That is why advertisements use celebrities so often. They are recognizable, and many people will buy a product simply because that particular public figure is telling them to. So selling yourself is key to persuading others.
Sometimes persuasion can be easy. Sometimes it’s difficult. But if you keep these 7 tips in mind, you will be very successful in getting what you want.
In this fascinating video, Dr. LeslieBeth Wish talks with Jack Canfield, the author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series. Dr. Wish discusses intuition and how it relates to people’s love lives. You don’t want to miss this!
In this video, Rosie Battista shares her wisdom about watching your words.
In her weekly video series, Dr. Carol Morgan explains to you why you should put your life into perspective by looking at the grand scheme of things.