By Mary Miller
Having IT all is the American dream. Growing up, we are told that striving for this dream is an opportunity not to be wasted. We are told that we should be grateful and not squander or waste our lives on something that won’t be successful. Success in our formative years meant becoming a doctor, lawyer, or anything that made a lot of money. It meant being a great mom, a great wife, to become outstanding in your community – all to give your parents a lot of bragging ammo. Expectations were high because we had so many more opportunities than our mothers.
It’s no wonder that many Generation X Women are perfectionists. We were raised to be. We were praised when we followed the rules, when we were quiet, when our hair was neat, when we looked pretty, when we were productive, and especially when we “made it” (AKA: accomplished something).
Somehow in our well-intended upbringing, many of us became idols instead of people. We represented a life our parents, teachers, and other influences wanted but did not have. Some of our parents often felt guilty because they were home less often since they were busy making money to create this life.
Did you know that Generation X is often referred to as the latchkey or divorce generation? “Divorce rates, which peaked around 1980, are now at their lowest level since 1970. In fact, the often-cited statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce was true only in the 1970s—in other words, our parents’ marriages.” (The Divorce Generation”, WSJ).
Our folks did the best they could and Lord knows we were not easy to raise or get through to. Yet somehow in the midst of all this, the “Me” generation, the generation seen as independent, we forgot who we were. We began to strive to be all things to all people and at age 30, 35, or 40 we are now at a crossroads looking back at the road we have traveled – perhaps with a pair of Golden handcuffs on saying: What the hell is “IT” anyways? Is all this worth it?
We’re tired and want to quit some days; sometimes it feels like we are living a life that does not fulfill our souls. Yet we tell ourselves to put on our big girl panties and solider on. Then our crazy life repeats itself until we are numb … and for what? If we’re going to fight and be sleep deprived, let it be from something that matters.
So why does this matter? And what does this have to do with perfectionism? Our formative years shape who we are. The way we grow up and these exceptions create environmental perfectionism. Even if you do not have a perfectionist personality, my bet is that you have learned to become a perfectionist due to your environment. A perfectionist is someone whose goal is to be flawless and who sets excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.
While perfectionism can create a drive like no other, it also lies to you! Perfectionism lies to you and tells you that unless you are perfect, you are not worth anything. You don’t matter enough to have your own dreams, your own ideas, your own life doing what makes you happy, being who God created you to be.
So are you ready to fight perfectionism and tell it to shove it? Then … EVERYDAY this week take note of anytime you say these words or phrases. STOP and think about why you are saying this and what you could say instead. Slowly look for situations where you can let go of perfection.
• “should”
• “have to”
• “what will they think”
• “If I could just…”
• “What’s my problem?”
• “Why can’t I do anything right?”
• What has perfectionism cost you?
What has perfectionism cost you?
