By Dan Munro
There’s something uncomfortable we all need to talk about.
This is for you women out there who are in a relationship with a man who does not try to have sex with you at least a few times per week, if not daily. And of course it’s for the men I’m talking about.
Note: for the sake of making this easy to write I will use heterosexual relationships as examples, but I’m sure this will apply to all types of sexual relationships involving modern men.
In my years of diving deeply into the intimate details of peoples’ lives I’ve been struck by a recurring theme: lack of sexual leadership by men. By this I mean guys who do not boldly and directly initiate sex with their partners (and women they’re attracted to in general), men who use indirect methods to meet their sexual needs (manipulation), and men who rely mainly on pornography for sexual stimulation.
Ever been with a man like that?
These men tend to be passive and avoidant in all forms of sexuality, including touching, kissing, and verbal sexuality (dirty talk). These men wait for a ‘green light’ from women before making a move. They will not attempt any sexual move that puts them at risk of rejection. They get emotionally agitated when rejected sexually, demonstrated by completely fake acceptance (masking rage) or by taking it personally.
This has a disastrous outcome. Women around the world feel unattractive, frustrated, confused, and forced into masculinity. They feel that their partners do not find them attractive, or that their dates just want to be friends. And everyone misses out on playful, uninhibited nooky.
Let me make a couple of points clear here:
- It has nothing to do with sexual desire. You put almost any man in the dark next to a naked feminine body and he will want to have sex with it. Despite what they claim, men are fairly basic mammals.
- It is extremely rare for a straight guy to have a genuinely asexual platonic relationship with a women. This doesn’t mean they can’t be your friend, just understand there will often be attraction and they definitely have at least considered shagging you. There’s nothing wrong with this. Relax.
So what’s going on here? Why are men hiding their sexuality and avoiding rejection? Has your man really lost interest in you, or is there something else going on here?
I want to help women with these issues in two ways. Firs, understand what is happening psychologically with your man (or that guy you just dated who didn’t try to kiss you). And secondly, what you can do to change it.
There are a number of contributing causes to male passive sexuality. I’ve learned of many, through my own experiences, psychological research, and the many anecdotes of both my male and female clients. Here we go…
1. MISUNDERSTANDING FEMINISM
Like all extreme movements, feminism went too far in some areas. Namely, feminism became synonymous with man-hating. In the 60s and 70s the message was clear: all men are selfish rapists. This may not have been the intended message, but it was certainly the one that many men received.
It became the least fashionable thing in the world for a man to show sexual attraction to a woman. Even a wink was considered assault. It became difficult for men to safely understand the difference between harassment, assault, consenting flirting, and foreplay.
The stage was set for a whole generation of men (who of course were to become fathers and role models) to be scared and confused about their own masculine sexuality.
2. SEXUAL SHAME
Boys are conditioned as they grow older to feel ashamed of their sexual desire. They are told that it is materialistic to be attracted to girl before you ‘get to know her’. Romantic movies portray the asexual friend as a hero, and the sexually dominant male as a sleazy sadist. Words like ‘sensitive’ and ‘respectful’ are over-emphasized and misunderstood by men to mean ‘you have pretend to care more than you actually do before you can shag her’.
Many boys are raised almost solely by women. Fathers are away working and emotionally distant (and they are victims of this shame as well so their role modeling is no help), and most school-teachers are female. This means that boys’ model of what a man should be comes either from female interpretation or from media.
Women have the best of intentions when they tell a boy how he should treat a woman. Unfortunately this description often includes complete lack of sexuality and leadership, and gives the boy a picture of a lower-status, passive and asexual friend (be polite, compliment her, buy her dinner etc.). When you ask a women about her ideal man, she will often describe the caring and nurturing side. This is not what she is sexually attracted to. It would be pretty rare for a mother to tell her son “On your first date, make sure to playfully spank her on the ass, and don’t wait to the end to go for a kiss”.
Women are also caused to feel massive shame about their sexuality, thinking that wanting sex is ‘slutty’. This causes women to pretend not to have high sex-drives, further conditioning men to believe women do not welcome sexual attraction. When I first learned that women actually enjoy sex I was in my mid-20s! And I’m not even one of the worst cases. One of the reasons men become initially obsessed with pornography is because it’s the only media outlet that shows women enjoying sex beyond the traditional relationship model.
Combine all of this with the boy’s first sexual experiences in early teen years. If he’s been conditioned to think that sexual desire is shameful, and then he gets rejected when asking a girl out, he will consider this as solid proof that he should be passive. He will then wait patiently for a girl to select him, causing him to forever place women on a pedestal of status above him. This makes him even more ashamed of ‘defiling’ one of these goddesses, and eventually he will settle for any woman who is willing to initiate.
Movies and TV programs give boys the impression that men should not develop sexual feelings towards a woman until after they are attracted to her personality. This does not line up with reality. A man decides whether or not he wants to sleep with you in less than 0.000001 nano-seconds. He does not need to be attracted to your personality to want to have sex with you. It’s the way men are biologically wired – accept it, or be forever disappointed. So this is a common example of men being told that their natural desires are wrong.
Want to know what happens to men who are constantly conditioned to believe that they should repress sexual desire? They eventually snap. Just look at what happened with the Catholic Church.
In the end, you get men who think it is basically wrong to want sex. It’s as simple as that. There are plenty of exceptions of course, but if you’re a sexually active woman then you’ve almost definitely had these men in your life, many times.
3. THE FEAR OF REJECTION
At the bottom of it all is a dirty, shameful secret: these men are terrified of being rejected by women. TERROR-fied. Overcoming fear of rejection is the most frequent conversation I have in the coaching I do.
Due to everything we’ve discussed already, and combined with genetic predispositions around social harmony, men associate rejection with feelings of intense anxiety; a constant dread. I know men who are quite successful with women yet still feeling massive anxiety at the thought of going up to a girl sober and telling her that she’s gorgeous. Men require alcohol, signs of attraction, anonymity (e.g. online dating), long-term friendship, and other crutches before they can feel safe to express attraction.
Expressing attraction is a risk-taking behavior. The fear gives them a vague dread about what would happen if the attraction is not reciprocated. When I ask my clients “What are you actually afraid will happen?” their answers are never clear, with hints at reputation and embarrassment. They’re so afraid of rejection they can’t even explore the idea of it without support.
This continues well after a romantic relationship is established. I used to think that every time a girl I was seeing said ‘No’ to sex, that it was all over (often it was, due to my other people-pleasing behaviors, which further reinforced this false belief). Men in relationships continue to be sexually passive because of the underlying fear that sexual rejection will signal the end of the relationship entirely. It’s like Billy Connolly once said:
“Women need to feel loved to have sex; men need to have sex to feel loved”.
I am NOT advocating sexual assault. No means no. But waiting for a clear invitation is passive and will leave many women waiting in vain. Men have to take a risk. But they often don’t, because…
4. AFTER VALIDATION THEY DON’T NEED TO ‘CHASE’
Women often wonder why their guy stopped trying after the initial courtship. What happened to the roses and dinners and romantic gestures? Often this stuff ends shortly after putting out for the first time. Is it because guys are shallow manipulative sex-fiends?
Actually, no.
What was happening was the guy was trying to feel good about himself. He has been conditioned to worship and seek the approval of women (remember all the female teachers etc.?) and cannot function without it. The courtship was not really romance, it was a toxic attempt to receive validation.
The ultimate validation for these poor damaged men (I say this with love; I used to be one) is sex. When a Nice Guy gets laid he finally feels that he has received your acceptance. So he no longer has any reason to keep manipulating you into liking him more.
It was never about you.
5. FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS
You can imagine what happens to man over time when he is programmed to see sex as the only proof that he is a good person. He starts to feel worthless. And worst of all, he creates a pattern that amplifies this effect. Because he is so passive around sex (waiting for you to initiate), he rarely gets it. He’s not making any effort to turn you on or initiate, so you think he’s not interested, and sex just stops happening.
Now he feels even more worthless. In his mind, even his partner doesn’t want him. And when you finally do get drunk enough to initiate, it only enables this process even more, because now he’s getting intermittent rewards. This is a psychological concept that explains why people love to gamble; we are wired to become more obsessed with occasional unexpected rewards than we are with consistent rewards.
He has now made you responsible for his self-worth, and blames both you and himself for the lack of sexual activity.
And a final point, one I’m no expert on, is that men these days simply have less testosterone. Our diet and behavior are increasing estrogen levels, which exaggerates these issues. It’s hard to feel like a man when you’re flooded with female hormones.
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?
So there you are: with a man you love, or on a date with an interesting guy, yet suffering through a boring sex life. What can you do to change this?
First, try to understand what you’re dealing with here: a frightened little boy. A man who has been brainwashed into thinking that women are the leaders in sex, and that he should wait for full outright expressed permission before even considering sex.
I’m here to help. This kind of stuff is my specialty and I’ve had these conversations with dozens if not hundreds of people. Email me your questions at any time dan@theinspirationallifestyle.com
Here are my top tips for de-programming your man and helping him find his masculine, powerful sexuality:
- Tell him what you want. The upside to these guys is that they are eager to please you sexually and get a massive thrill from your pleasure. Use this to your advantage. Give him explicit instructions on what to do physically. The more he sees himself as sexually successful, the more courageous and risk-taking he will become over time.
- Encourage him to be sexually dominant and tell him to lead. Give him permission to initiate without needing a ‘sign’ from you. Tell him things like “It would turn me on so much if you just randomly grab me and kiss me”. Spell it out for him at first so he can test the boundaries. He’s going against his programming here, so be patient and relentless. Do NOT take over leadership responsibilities out of frustration, as this is only a short term solution that actually increases the problem.
- Talk openly with him about his views on sex and leadership. Ask him who he thinks should lead and initiate. Let him know it’s okay for him to do this with you. Create a safe space for him to speak openly about his sexual shame.
- Call him out on his shit! I once had a girl tell me that it was annoying that I made jokes about how I didn’t get laid. This was a total revelation – I thought it was a good thing to show lack of sexual activity, until this happened.
- Spend a weekend away with him, naked and debaucherous. Dedicate a few nights to exploring all of your fantasies and his. Show him that nothing he wants sexually is ‘wrong’ (of course it’s still okay to say no to it, just don’t call him a freak). This weekend will make him much more sexually comfortable around you.
- Encourage leadership, but don’t nag. Force him to make decisions for the both of you outside of the bedroom. Allow him to take risks, in fact, encourage it. Don’t allow his passive feminism to force you to be masculine. E.g. if you’ve just started dating, make him choose where and when. Encourage his masculinity in other areas, like health and career.
And my NUMBER ONE TIP:
Get him to read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert A Glover. Go through the book with him and encourage him to do the exercises. It will be painful for both of you but may save your relationship.
Good luck! And let me know your thoughts.
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