By Kelli Kooken
I’m sitting here this afternoon feeling at a loss for words. I have so many thoughts and feelings that run through my mind continually, but when I sat to type today, I have one thought that just keeps coming to the surface.
November 4, 2012 was not the day that my daughter and her friends died, it is the date that should be remembered as the birth of their new everlasting life – their new birth date.
My mind is blown hourly that I (and the other families involved) am making the types of decisions that I have had to make in the last 24 days. My mind is blown that tomorrow Skylar’s dad and I are going to look at headstones for our oldest baby. My mind simply won’t wrap itself around the finality of her life ending on this earth. Call it a survival mechanism, call it God.
Tate and Zack (my daughter’s friends who survived the car accident) told us the story that just seconds after the crash, there was an unusually bright light that filled up the entire cab of the truck. We are all comforted in knowing that it was our God coming for these 3 beautiful souls, to take them home. I’ve told many of you that I am haunted by so many aspects of this horrific accident. No mother (or parent) should ever have to endure what we have, and my heart has always broken for those that have (even before this accident).
I’m haunted by the 3 men at my door in the middle of the night, and the softness in their eyes, and voice as they asked to be let inside. I’m haunted by them asking to see a photo of Skylar and my brain not working with my hands to even know how to work my phone to show them. I’m haunted by them telling me that it wasn’t just my baby that was killed. I’m haunted by when they named Skylar’s best friend, Sophie, and my daughter Lexy’s best friend, Julianna, who were also dead.
My world seemed to come crashing in on me.
I am living my absolute worst nightmare.
I have text messages between Skylar and me that are dated November 1st, and we were discussing my fear of having my kids in car accidents. It’s eerie for me to read them knowing just 3 days later that my daughter was one of those statistics.
At times, I feel like I am living some sad lifetime movie or reading a fiction novel. The impact this has had on our community and ourselves personally is overwhelming to say the least. No parent should have to bury a child, but the tragedy and suddenness and 3 lives lost in a split second, is at times unbearable. And I simply can’t even make myself get out of bed to start my day.
I TRUST and have FAITH that God has these beautiful souls by His side and our time on earth is so very temporary. And we WILL be reunited again……
However, this does not ease my pain, hurt, sadness, loneliness, and yes, even anger. I was telling a good friend last night that I’ve always hoped to live to a ripe old age and watch all of my children grow old as well. But now I am now ready for this life and world to be over. This world is so cruel and unfair that I am ready for Jesus to take all of his children home. I don’t want to live another 50 years on this earth without my Sky-bird by my side….my mind won’t even let me fathom a year without her let alone 50.
My prayer for each and every one of you is that you make each day count. They loved life, their friends, and their families so much that they deserve to be remembered each and every day. They left a huge footprint in the short time they were all here, and I’ve seen lives changed dramatically in the last 24 days, including my own.
I have more love in my heart than I can even explain, in a time that I should be filled with resentment, anger, and bitterness. I see myself looking at everything differently – and I mean everything.
I always told people that Skylar and I were so much alike it was scary — our personalities were eerily similar. The connection and closeness that Skylar and I had is what my heart and soul is crying for right now. I find myself starting to text her something funny. Typically, she would be the first person I’d tell anything. But then I quickly realize that I can no longer do that.
But what I can do is live my life in honor of her (and Sophia and Julianna) every single day. Skylar had so much love in her heart for her friends, and she had friends from ALL walks of life. She was not your typical 16 year old girl who has to be with the “in or cool” crowd. She literally had friends of all colors, races, economic backgrounds, ages, sex etc.
She inspires me to be the same way.
Love you more baby girl.
