By Kelli Kooken
I was hoping that my anger had subsided, I was wrong. I looked through my phone and saw this text exchange and rage seemed to form inside of me. Why? Why? Why? One year ago at this exact moment my world was complete … Sky was home “pooping in private” (and no doubt laying on the couch, renting a movie and eating mac n’ cheese). I hadn’t yet had to answer that fateful 4:30 a.m. call and knock at the door. I had yet to be haunted by images, by reality, and by death. I was warned that these days leading up to the anniversary would be difficult, but I didn’t quite believe it. I mean in reality how could anything get any harder regarding all of this?
There has been a lot of reflecting these last several days and I’m in shock that a year has already nearly passed without the 3 of them here with all of us. My home went from a revolving door of friends and family to a very quiet home. Sky’s room sits empty too many days and it breaks my heart to walk by and see no activity, no disturbance of her things. I find myself getting angry … angry that others get to move forward. I get angry when I hear so many people complaining about insignificant things in life. I could only pray and beg that we had little things to sweat. I’d give anything, anything at all to have something else to complain about.
The tragic and sudden death of a child will put everything quickly into perspective. And I mean everything.
I wish I could write an inspiring and uplifting blog today. But the truth is I’m feeling so down, so angry, so lost, so sad, so broken, so damaged, and so overwhelmed with grief without Skylar. I wanted to write something today so that she is on everyone’s mind – that’s the greatest comfort I can find these days.
These next several days are going to be hell for all of us … as if we weren’t already living out our hell on earth. I know for me I will be sitting with my baby at 12:40am Monday morning knowing that one year ago at that moment she left us for her forever home. I know that at 4:30 a.m. on Monday I will be reliving that tragic morning, I know at 8 a.m. I will relive when it hit the media and the calls started rushing in. I know that the days following I will remember the numbness of meeting with our amazing funeral director, and the moment that I had to pick out Skylar’s very last outfit. I will be remembering the last moment I shared with her alone in the basement of the funeral home – smelling my angel’s hair and tracing the bruises on her beautiful face. I’ll be remembering the moment I walked into the church for her and Sophie’s dual viewing and seeing the 2 of them up on the stage like the angels that they are, hundreds of flowers surrounding them both. I will remember the 8 hours I stood on that stage next to her — not one time ever leaving her side in all of those hours. I will remember all of the tears shed and the hundreds and hundreds of people who wept at her side. I will remember all of the items placed in her casket with her from so many that loved her. I will remember leaving the church that evening and knowing that I would only get to see her one more time before her earthly body is taken from me forever. I will remember the beautiful service the next day and spending my last few moments alone with her before they closed her casket for good. Having to be pulled away … not wanting anyone else to share in that moment with me. I wanted to touch her hair forever and not let go of her hand. I will remember watching my brothers and Sky’s uncles carry her body out of that church and load her into the back of the limousine. I will remember that drive to the cemetery and seeing her and Sophie side by side and Jules just a few feet away.
I will remember when my world went silent …
But I assure you I will also remember every moment that I shared with Sky. I will let my mind, body, and soul relive this last year as part of my healing and then I will pray to my God to comfort me, wrap me in peace, and help me focus on all that I shared with her. And I pray that for all who loved Sky, Soph, and Jules. I pray that we focus on all of our memories and live the rest of our days in honor of them.
Thank you for your continued prayers and kind words, they never go unnoticed.
I love you more Skylar, Sophie &, Julianna …
***To purchase Kelli Kooken’s book about her journey through grief, click here to buy***
