By Dan Munro
Most people have low self-confidence, but yet they never do anything about it. I was one of them until 5 years ago. Now I want to give back what I have learned.
In my coaching career, I have come to realize that everyone already has what they need, they just can’t access it due to confidence barriers in their heads. These barriers include our inability to overcome feelings of fear, doubt, and discomfort.
So come with me and take the steps toward higher self-worth today, because it will be a step away from the boredom and impotence of a life half-lived.
Here are 5 things I’ve learned:
1. Everyone else is scared, too.
You know that voice that keeps you up at night? The one making you doubt yourself, the one preventing you from making moves? Yeah, everyone else hears it too.
There is no such thing as being “fearless.” Anyone who claims otherwise is either psychopathic, deluded or just full of it.
“We all have a story playing in our head; the ‘I’m not good enough’ story.” – Dr Russ Harris
It plays continuously in the background, and has no association with logic, reason or evidence. Sometimes it’s loud and it’s all we can hear, other times it is blissfully drowned out by positive thoughts. Either way, it is always there. And it’s there to stay. Unless you decide to change your story.
2. There is no such thing as a pain-free life.
“Life is suffering” – Buddha (apparently)
Continuing on from point 1, pain is also a crucial part of life. The pursuit of happiness implies that there is some magical stage of life you can get to which will be pain-free. Pain is the natural by-product of experience. Think of all of your favorite activities, relationships, and experiences. There is always some sort of pain involved.
Try to re-frame pain. Think of it as the reference point for joy, meaning, and fulfillment. You simply cannot enjoy life without knowing what the opposite of enjoyment is. You can’t appreciate something unless you can understand the inevitable tragedy that it will one day be taken away.
You don’t have to enjoy pain, you just have to accept its presence. Welcome it like you would the burning feeling you get lifting weights. It is a necessary part of our experience in order for life to have meaning.
3. Happiness is just a temporary feeling.
I often jabber on about the pointlessness in pursuing “happiness.” Building confidence will open your eyes to something very important: happiness may never be a permanent state.
Again we come back to the ‘points of reference.’ Life is a rich tapestry of emotion, each with its benefits for our experience. There is peace in sadness, there is confidence in fear, and there is passion in anger.
All the emotions you think of as “bad” are far from it. By definition, happiness requires other emotions to exist. You cannot be permanently happy, as it would eventually just end up being the worst state you can possibly experience: BOREDOM.
4. People do not ‘have’ status, you give it to them.
People tend to look at others as either better or worse than themselves. Depending on the situation, you are either The Man/Woman, or A Loser. There is a system in your mind that compares you constantly to others.
This leads always to seeing some people being seen as above you. You will cower, bow and scrape to those who you see as better. This might include people you are attracted to, your bosses, socially confident people, and anyone else whose presence makes you feel like either withdrawing or showing off.
Confidence building will make you realise the truth: we are all the same. People are only better than you when YOU think they are. Best to just stop comparing altogether.
5. Slavery is mindset, not a situation.
People mostly think of themselves as “free” because they are not technically slaves. In fact most people are either slaves or prisoners. I have met very few people in my life who I consider to be “free.” Sometimes I’m not even sure I am free (but I’m definitely getting closer).
What is the definition of slavery? Being owned and controlled by someone else.
What defines being a prisoner? Being in a place where you cannot escape.
If you feel you cannot talk back to your boss because he will fire you, then you are technically a slave. He owns you. And in a more practical sense, he exchanges money for your time. If that is not completely of your free will (i.e. some part of you believes you MUST accept it and you cannot walk away at any time), then you have the mind of a slave.
If you feel like you can’t pursue your passions because of your restrictions and obligations, then you are a prisoner. You have put up walls around yourself. Your life cannot be escaped, and your limitations dictate your options.
Slavery and imprisonment can only happen inside your mind.
Prove to yourself that there are no limits. Ask yourself “If I could do anything, or be anyone, what would that look like? What would need to change in my life? What would I have to do differently?”
Then act on the answers to those questions.
