By Talya Flowers
The woodpecker is a near-passerine bird that spends most of its time pecking away at different trees in the forest.
I am not a bird fanatic, but the woodpecker is a metaphor for an individual who chips away at the emotional and mental health of another person. The first peck doesn’t make the biggest impact because it’s often very subtle. These can often come in the form of comments or jokes that appear to be helpful but upon second thought, actually, cause damage to the other person.
By the one millionth peck, there is nothing more to take and nothing more to give; you’ve allowed another person to exhaust your overall sense of self. There is no more love because you’re in state of resentment. And you, who were once a secure human being, are now insecure, fearful, walking around on egg shells because at any moment a misconstrued word or phrase can turn into the nastiest argument.
Ironically, most birds don’t create new holes; they’ve already scouted out a tree that had a couple of cracks and fissures, so that they can easily begin the cycle. Often times, they latch on to people who have had horrific childhoods, endured painful/damaging relationships, confrontation avoiders, and those who have a willingness to “help” other people at the detriment of their own well-being. The woodpecker uses the other persons past as a weapon to keep them firmly attached to the relationship. Any thought, word, or phrase that doesn’t coincide with the wishes of the woodpecker is another nasty argument filled with blame, guilt, shame, condemnation, and nauseating threats/remarks.
When the breakup comes, oh, and it will come, the woodpecker will remind you that they deserve better, that you are no good, and that you’ve changed. You will be crushed but over time you will begin to feel as you did in the beginning: whole again and emotionally and mentally sane. You will have finally realized that a) love isn’t about damaging another person b) love is about acceptance and gradual change, and c) there is a lesson and beauty in everything.
Here are my six suggestions for silencing the insidious woodpecker:
1. Go back to your first love
I ran back to my first love like I was about to lose my footing on a balcony. I guess I was about to lose my footing in life. I find that there is no one more secure than Jesus Christ. He has helped me to see what I chose to ignore. He also helped me to see what is vitally important in my life: being in a relationship with him. I am emotionally and mentally healthy now because I went back. I sprinted back because I know that he is my anchor. I also know that we attract how we feel about ourselves on the inside. And because I didn’t like what was happening to me, I embarked on a journey to never put abuse above my own well-being. That battle was never mine, it’s the Lords.
2. Find your voice
I am a confrontation avoider, which means I want peace more than anything else in this world. But coming out of a situation like that allowed me to see the importance of finding my voice. I found out that is okay to verbalize why I am disagreeing with someone. Actually, it’s healthy for a relationship and disagreeing with someone doesn’t mean that you no longer love them. It means that you love them enough to let them know that what they are saying or doing is hurting you. It’s okay to speak. And it is okay to say “no” without having to give a 127-page explanation.
3. Accept/respect ALL of yourself
No one is perfect and the person who believes that they are is setting themselves up for a major fall. When we expect perfectionism of ourselves, we expect that in others, which means that our significant other does not have the potential to grow because we have an unrealistic expectation of how they should be. Accepting all of your flaws, believing that you’re worthy and more than enough are the keys to avoiding this type of environment in the future, so that it leaves no room for people to affect how you view yourself.
4. Validate yourself
This is a hard area for me because I found out in 2013 that we all have Love Languages and mine is Words of Affirmation. Sigh. But don’t wait for someone to thank, praise, or validate what you are doing for them—even if you are going out of your way to please them. Don’t do it for them, do it for God (if that is your belief and path like mine) because then your validation will come from an inner reservoir.
5. Seek help
When I said I sprinted back to God, I did it with my whole heart. I knew that I had to firmly seek out getting healthy again. I grabbed my Bible, The Battlefield of the Mind and Power Thoughts books by Joyce Meyer, and I read several books about codependency. And I am proud to say that I am reading and applying, and I’ve seen a major turnaround in my mind and in my life.
6. Take responsibility
I took full responsibility for what happened to me, I apologized for everything he falsely accused me of, and when I did, I set myself free, so that I will no longer loop in that area. I now view that situation as a challenge that needed to happen so that I can finally see my self-worth and value.
If you find yourself mending from a breakup with a woodpecker, first, breathe, they were attracted to what you could do for them or whatever you had that validated their self-worth. Second, it is going to be okay, what was once cracked and then broken can always be repaired just allow time to run its course. During the process of healing, begin to focus and love all of yourself. Once you are healed, you will know that you are capable of loving someone else fully.
And always remember: you are more than enough, not because of who you are but because of whose you are.
