If you’re a human being, and I’m willing to bet you are, chances are that you’ve bathed in the murky jade waters of jealousy at some point in your life. This may have been jealousy of a co-worker’s success, a friend’s possessions or another’s affections. Jealousy leaves you feeling agitated, delusional, and consumed with worry.
The Oxford dictionary describes jealousy as: ‘feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages.’ Meanwhile, evolutionary psychologist and author of ‘The Dangerous Passion’ David Buss suggests jealousy is an innate mechanism we’ve evolved to protect our interests.
Perhaps the most common catalyst for nurturing an unhealthy dose of jealousy is being in a relationship. When we open ourselves and our lives up to another human being, the worst thing we can imagine is that person taking us for granted, rejecting us, finding someone else more appealing, or distancing themselves from us.
Now, it’s important to point out that being jealous does not always mean you have low self-esteem or that you’re completely neurotic. Jealousy is a completely natural, human reaction that we have to life and the challenges it presents. What you do have control over, however, is how much you allow jealousy to seep into your everyday life. If you are obsessing over what your partners doing, what they’re supposedly keeping from you, or what they’re really thinking about, then it’s time to take a deep breath and take a look at yourself.
Here are five tips:
1. Awareness Is Key!
As with most challenges in life, the first step you can take towards a solution is gaining clarity and control. If you’re aware that those feelings of paranoia, anger, hatred, or sadness are actually caused by jealousy, then you instantly regain the upper hand.
The most crucial detail to remember about jealousy is that those accusations, scenarios, stories, and thoughts you’re worrying about are more often than not all inside your head and are not in reality. By separating your assumptions from reality and truth, you gain awareness and control so you can begin to manage your jealous energy in a healthier way.
When you notice jealousy is rearing its ugly head, take a moment to breathe. Instead of continuing destructive, negative thought patterns or using your energy to justify, explain, prove, or support your jealousy, take its power away by questioning your theories. After a while, you should start to believe that your dwindling jealous paranoia has no more support in reality than dragons or “the five-second rule.”
2. Figure Out Why You Are jealous.
Before you start flinging accusations and demands around like confetti, it’s important that you work on yourself. First, instead of continually asking and answering what you’re jealous of, ask yourself why you are jealous. What deep-seated beliefs about yourself or other people trigger jealous behaviors and emotions within you?
There are literally millions of beliefs that all of us hold, which we learn throughout life and find it very difficult to let go of. If you let your negative beliefs run rampant in your mind, then they become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Instead, if you’re feeling insecure and jealous, ask yourself why. Do you believe your partner isn’t worthy of trust? Do you believe you don’t deserve better? That you’re not worth being faithful to? Do you believe no one is faithful? That jealousy keeps you wary and prepared? That you’ll inevitably be rejected? Are people outside of your relationship involved? Why? Do you really care about what they say or do?
When you have answered all of your questions, remind yourself that they are assumptions you’ve created in your mind and that they are not necessarily based in reality. Examine these assumptions by asking deeper questions regarding how you perceive and expect relationships to be.
By cultivating a strong sense of self and personal power you make it impossible for anyone else have any affect on your wellbeing, as well as reducing your susceptibility to jealousy. This may be by increasing your sense of self-worth so you realize how fantastic you are and that anyone who rejects you isn’t worth your time. Or you can teach yourself to begin to trust other people and treat them with the trust and respect that you’d expect in return.
In fact, just for fun, I’d like you to list 10 things that are fantastic about you as a human being. Are you funny? Are your eyebrows on point? Are you intelligent? By practicing self-worth not only will you realize what your partner sees in you, and even more importantly you’ll begin to realize how wonderful you are as an individual. And hey, if you’re partner is actually a tool, then you’ll know it’s their loss and move on in no time.
3. Trust, Honesty, And Communication.
Being overwhelmingly protective and consumed by your relationship does not make for a secure and comfortable relationship. That actually sounds like a nightmare. Relationships work best when partners are open and honest with each other, when truthful communication is a top priority for everyone involved.
For anyone who’s feeling jealous, it’s important to note that honest communication includes sharing your insecurities! Like I said, jealousy is a human trait that you shouldn’t be ashamed of as long as you take steps by yourself to manage it constructively. Remember that your partner is not a member of the X-Men and in fact cannot read your mind, so they will only be able to help you manage may your doubts if you make them aware them.
Be honest with your partner and tell them about your insecurities in a constructive manner. Ask for reassurance, in moderation, and believe them when they tell you that you have nothing to worry about and that they love you. Conversely, if they don’t take you seriously, then say ‘adios’ to them.
4. Manage Your Stress.
It’s pretty safe to assume that no one has ever felt calm and collected while obsessing over how long it takes his or her partner to come home from work. Jealousy is often amplified by our anxieties and stressful situations, so if you’re going to overcome jealousy, you must do your best to manage anxiety, stress, and how you react to these complex emotions.
If you find this too difficult to manage on your own, then perhaps it’s time to speak to someone professional. Although it may seem like the last thing you’ll want to do, it may even be time to take a break from your partner. If they love you and support you, then you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about. You must put your wellbeing first – before all other things – in order to live a happy, fulfilling life.
5. Relinquish Control.
No matter how much you try, you cannot – and do not have to right – to control another human being. You cannot force them to love you or to be faithful; they must make that decision actively by themselves.
Accept that there are better-looking people, more intelligent people, people who are more adequate in every activity imaginable than you are. Accept that your partner may find other people more physically attractive, smarter or funnier than you, and accept that that probably has absolutely no affect whatsoever on how much they love you.
Lastly, and perhaps the trickiest tip I’ve suggested so far is: be okay with losing your relationship. Yes, it may be an awful thought and I’m in no way suggesting you break up at the first twinge of jealousy, just realize that you are not going to die if you’re alone. At some point, try to list ten positive steps you would take if the worst happened and realize that you can survive, that the fear you’re channelling into your jealousy is not actually that scary.
Remember that uncertainty is the only certainty in life: we can only control what goes on inside our own minds.
